Average

My place in this world

There are many way where my emotions take control of my outlook on life.

Days where I feel insignificant and little, almost as if I have little to no meaning. There is no onset to these feelings. No initial trigger, just random realizations, that I may never live up to the expectations that I once had for myself.

Ill admit, I do get filled with rage and depression, when I see others who surround me living out my dreams and fantasies, as I sit back and route for them to succeed. I wish bad on no one, but that doesn't stop the pain that fills inside me, as a quiet voice in my head wishes it was me in their shoes.

From the texture and length of my hair, to the size and shape of my body. I can't help but feel that I would go farther in life if I was a different height, size or skin tone.

I learned that a young age that it is hard becoming something in this world as a black woman. Adding my weight and height to that, I learned that I would often be looked over compared to others, and it did do damage to my mental health.

Some days I wake up feeling ready to take on the world, and others I wake up, feeling as though the world is taking over me. It is a harsh realization, knowing that everything I am fighting for, may continue to be out of reach for me.

Hearing the "keep going", "you're amazing", or "everything will happen in time", gets tiring, especially coming from others who already have these things in life, or have the ability to come across it with a better chance than me.

I am not alone in this world, but it feels as though I am the last person on this earth, using my overthinking and low self-esteem to keep it rotating on its access.

The other day I was told "you are taller than I expected", this statement was then followed by "do you like to eat?". This can be very innocent yet patronizing at the same time.

My immediate thought was, "am I too big?" "If I was shorter and skinnier, would I be more appealing?", "if I maintained my height, but had a better body, would it still be a problem".

Why is my appearance always a factor in if I matter in this world.

When will I be seen and stop hearing excuses, made to help me feel better?

My appearance has become an addition of mine, to where, if it alters in any slight way, I will take notice.

One day I do hope I make it in life, being everything I hoped to be. I hope I am heard and not spoken over. I hope I get what I want, instead of choosing to settle. I hope other take notice of the path I have taken to gain these achievements and follow in my footsteps.

I don't want to hear another "I'm sorry" sentence, one that was said because the person can't relate to how im feeling and simply wants to get out of the conversation, instead of trying to understand me. I don't want to hear people saying "I know how you feel", when they never will.

I don't want to hear people compare their body experiences to me anymore.

I don't want to hear peoples sob stories anymore, because at the end of the day, Im listening, I care, I give advice and response from my soul, with hopes that I am actually helping, and in return....

when it is my turn to speak....

all I get is a "im sorry that happened" in return.

This is followed by repeated apologies, then a change in conversation.

I wish I could choose to remain silent until I am heard.

But I always have the fear, that no matter how I am feeling, I need to be there for others.

Even if they're not there for me.

Sadly, that seems to be my place in this world.