war: my mind vs. my heart

Forever love you.

I had stayed the rest of dinner in the astronomy tower and i stayed there way past.

"Draco." Harry's voice rang.

"What harry."

"i'm sorry." he said.

"your not allowed to use that word."

"But i am Draco."

"To bad. you don't get to use it." i said turning to him.
he didn't reply. we just looked at each other.
"What happened at the Ministry?" i asked.

"Fought off death eaters.." he started. "Arthur's fine. Minor injuries. Ur father was there." he ended.

"Yeah i guessed so. he didn't do anything did he?" i asked.

"no. no one got hurt"

"ur lip. how did that happen?"

"Ron. but it was an accident. i grabbed his shoulder and he turned around punching me in the face." He said looking down.
I walked up to him lifting his head so our eyes met. I ran my thumb across his lips. "Never do that again without me." i said before kissing him. It felt better than the first time we kissed. Harry immediately kissed back wrapping his hands around my neck. My hands lay on his hips pulling him closer. We separated, our foreheads against each other.
"ur fathers a death eater." harry stated.

"i'm aware, part of the reason he left."

"why?"

"He wants me to get the mark.. mother won't allow it."

"your not going to are u?" he asked.

"not if i don't have to. but harry it's more complicated than it seems. If i get told i have to get the mark i have to. There's no way out of it but death." i explained.

"But you don't want to fight on that side do u?"

"no. no harry i really don't." my throat became sore. I knew what was to come and that i would have to get the mark.

"That won't change what's happening between us.. will it?" i asked.

"no. no it won't." he said. "i'm with you all the way." he said kissing me.
We watched the stars talking about everything and nothing. When we both decided we should go to bed i walked harry to the Gryffindor common room and said goodnight. He kissed me yet again and i let it linger. When he was safe and in the common room i made myself down to my own room. I walked into my personal bathroom and started the shower. I got a pair of black sweats before getting the the shower. I stood there for a little before i actually started to shower. I felt the warm water against my back thinking about how harry's lips felt on mine and how much i really did care about him.
I finished my shower getting dressed and getting in bed. I turned off the light and fell into a dreamless sleep.

i woke up only a couple hours later to an owl tapping on my window. The letter was from my mother.

Dear Draco,

Your father has returned home and i strongly suggest you to not come home. I will miss you my darling, please be safe. It's not safe here for you. Listen to me Draco. Do. Not. Come. Home.

Love,
your mother.

My heart beat faster. Father was home which meant Voldemort was living at my "home".
I tired to sleep but i couldn't. My mind wondered. Where was i going to go for the summer?
My alarm went off and it was 6am. I got myself up and dressed before falling back into my bed.
shit
i thought. What was i going to do? Should i tell harry? Will i tell harry? My mind raced as i lay in my empty room. I'm so confused and so lost. They keep me on a rope. i had no where to go. I feel like i'm losing everyone and everything including my freedom. And the fact that my father was back home meant way worse. It felt as thought i couldn't breath. I sat up on my bed rubbing my chest. It felt like my chest was closing in on me. I kept thinking about how i would eventually have to go back home and under my father's control once again losing any form of freedom and feeling. I couldn't breath. It honestly felt like i was dying. I tried to calm myself down. I knew i was having a panic attack. I went into the bathroom and splashed water on my face which only made it worse, it started to get worse. My eyes began watering and my chest felt tighter than before. I started counting. Didn't work. I sat on my bed once again still rubbing my chest. I head fell into my knees. I concentrated on my breathing. In and out. repeated in my head. I heard my fathers voice ringing in my head telling me that feelings are pointless and this is what i deserve. That i will never be good enough for anyone. Memories came back from when father would use the Cruciatus curse on me. My head began to ring. My hands began to shake and i started feeling drowsy. My Mind went blank after that.
I woke up on the floor of my room. Dried tears were on my face. I looked at the clock and it was noon. I got to my feet stumbling to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror. My hair was a mess, my shirt was wrinkled and my eyes were red. Eye bags made an appearance under my eyes. I had no motivation to fix the mess that was me. I called for Dobby who helped me to the hospital wing. Everyone was at lunch so no one was in the halls. I told Madam Promfrey what happened and she gave me a nerve calming potion. I sat there before i was told to go down to lunch. I stopped in the boys bathroom so i could fix my hair before walking into the great hall. My eyes were still watering from the thought of my father. I composed myself and walked into the great hall. I sat with Blaise not touching any food. He hadn't even noticed me. I looked at the Gryffindor table and harry was looking at me. I Gave him a weak smile before he motioned for me to follow him out of the great hall.

"Are you alright?" he asked once we were outside the great hall.

"I'm fine." i said simply.

"what's wrong? i haven't seen u all day" he stated.

"I got a letter from my mum." i was going to tell him. "You-know-who and my father are back home."
Harry's eyes widened.

"Your not doing home." he stated.

"No i'm not. Mother would kill me personally." I said.

"You'll stay with me and Sirius." he said.

"harry you don't have to."

"i want to. the school years almost over and you need somewhere to stay."

"Harry are you sure? if they find out where i am they'll kill you and whoever's involved." i stated plainly.

"I don't understand how you can say it so openly but you won't be found. How do you think Sirius wasn't caught?" Harry asked with a smile.

"If your sure harry."

"I really am. How late did u get the letter, it looks like u haven't slept." Harry said rubbing his hand across my face.

"I'm the one that worries"

"Draco."

"Around one i think"

"How much sleep?"

"Hour or two."

"Your going to get sleep." he stated grabbing my hand.

"Where are we going?" i asked.

"your room."

"how do you know where that is?" i asked and he stopped.

"Um.. A map?" he said his cheeks going pink. I have a small laugh.

"Of course." i said.
We walked through many halls before making to to my room. He laid on my bed patting the spot next to him. I reluctantly climbed into the bed laying my head on his chest. He rubbed my back and i closed my eyes. I felt myself fall asleep slowly as harry hummed a song i've never heard.
Once i woke up and harry was asleep. I quietly slid out from under his arms and made my way to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and saw him. A person i never wanted to be again. A person who felt like he would always come back. My stomach felt empty but i felt no need to eat. My eyes felt heavy and hurt.

"Draco, love." Harry's voice came from the door frame. "You can't stare at yourself all say. I know you beautiful but it's not healthy for the brain." He joked.

I looked at him through the mirror. He was so perfect. He made me feel a way i've never felt even when i was happy. He made me feel euphoric, safe and seen. I reached for his hand and placed him in front of my so my head laid in his shoulder and my arms wrapped around his waist. A silent tear fell from my eye. I hated how i looked and always have. And looking at harry made me realize that i really wasn't good looking.

"What's wrong Draco?" harry asked turning around so we were face to face.

"Nothing haz i promise." i said.

"Please dray."

"I'm scared." i admitted. "My father isn't a good person."

"He won't hurt you Draco. He won't do anything to you or make yo i do anything" harry said wiping the tear away from my face. My hands still lay on his waist. Harry's hands laid on my face as he kissed my salty lips. When we broke apart i laid my head on his shoulder.

"We'll get through this Draco. Together." he said and i believed him. We would get through this together. Mark my words i will never let anyone hurt harry potter not even myself. I will do everything and anything to let him know i love him and care for him. He is my one true love and i will never feel otherwise even if i'm the only one feeling that way.
I will forever love harry potter.