The Ink That Haunts Us

Chapter Five

"What is going on with you and Mack?"

    I turned to find Freya standing behind me, arms crossed and eyes assessing.

    "What do you mean?" I gave her a confused look.

    "Have you not noticed how he watches you or checks in with you more often? He's acting all clingy, and it's super weird."

    In fact, I had noticed, but that didn't stop me from letting out a startled laugh. When she said it out loud, it sounded ridiculous.

    "What?"

    "I don't know. It's probably nothing," she said, shrugging it off, but her eyes never left me.

    Not telling Freya about what was going on was hard. The closer the tenth of May got, the harder it was to pretend that I was okay. More than anything I wanted to be as okay as I pretended to be. In reality, I was a hot mess on the inside. Mack was the only person who wasn't fooled.

    I was starting to regret not taking a few days off, but I was determined to not tuck tail and hide. This year would be different. I was going to get through the tomorrow like it was just another day because it was just another day. So far, I was doing a terrible job. It was turning out to be a lot harder than I expected.

    "You okay?" So lost in thought, Freya's sudden touch on my arm had me shrinking away from her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

    "You didn't," I said, brushing it off as I climbed to my feet.

    "Come on, Saw. Don't be like that. You can talk to me, you know that."

    "I'm fine, really." The lie came easy, and I knew it hurt her. Backing away, I turned towards my studio. "I have a few things I have to take care of. I'll be right back." In my haste to leave, I didn't see Mack until I bumped into him. He reached out, putting a steadying arm around my shoulders.

    "Hey, you got a sec?" He didn't wait for me to answer as he hauled me into his office, shutting the door.

    As soon as the door was shut, I whirled on him.

    "Could you be more obvious?" I hissed.

    "I'm worried about you." His eyes were full of concern and right now it was the last thing I needed.

    "I told you I am fine. I am fine." It came out breathy because all of the sudden I couldn't breathe. I sagged into Mack for support. My chest heaved with every breath and I felt like there was a ton of weight on me.

    Why couldn't I breathe?

    "Deep breaths, baby girl." His voice was soft and soothing as he rubbed my back up and down as he held me close. "Everything is okay. You are going to be okay."

    Eyes closed, I pulled in a slow, steady breath before letting it out just as slowly. I repeated this process as Mack did his part in soothing me. It was the first panic attack I'd had in a long time. I had forgotten how scary they were.

    "I'm okay," I said breathless, opening my eyes to look up at Mack.

    "A day or two wouldn't hurt, Saw. I hate seeing you do this to yourself. Anyone can see how it's taking a toll."

    "I can do this, Mack. I have to. If I can get through tomorrow without hiding, then I'll know it will be okay. That I am strong enough." I drew away, running a frustrated hand through my hair.

    I was strong enough.

    "I'm not saying you're not strong enough. I'm just saying you don't have to be. Why don't you come stay with me for a few days? It will be like old times when you first arrived here." Memories of those days flashed in my head. Some of those memories were the best ones I had, but going back to let Mack take care of me again wasn't an option. I had to get over this myself.