Not Our World: Who Is Stubby Boardman? (Harry Potter Fanfic)

Who Is Stubby Boardman?

I am yet again featuring the delicious Black brothers in my weekly blog. And yes, ladies, they are most definitely still considered by the magical community to be two of the most eligible bachelors, though, I argue they're the most ineligible of eligible bachelors with how elusive they are despite being one of the significant sources of amusement in the fashion magazines.

And boy, are they yum.

There is no denying that both brothers inherited the looks expected of someone of the most ancient and noble house of Black, always looking regal as someone of that house should look. Some witches have attested to the older Black 's prowess in bed and how he is an epitome of masculinity in bed and out, along with having a definite Casanova personality one would expect of a Black prince.

The younger brother—his past relationships are far more elusive with nobody stepping out of the shadows to claim having been with him, which has led to speculation that he 's gay, though hold your horses as I've heard straight from the mouth of the elder Black more than once that his younger brother is, in fact, a virgin waiting to be plucked, only nobody in the Black family is letting anyone do that plucking.

This is why I always say that they 're the most ineligible of eligible bachelors in magical society despite also being the bachelors every girl wants to get with, particularly the youngest who replaced his older brother as heir to the Black family. The elder Black ended up reigned in by caring for his younger brother, for whom the Ministry of Magic has placed in his legal guardianship.

And boy did I speculate when the news first came that it was simply a ploy for the younger Black to escape punishment for his time as a Death Eater, which doesn 't seem to sour our interest in him, yet having interacted with him a few times as have a few others, there is no denying the youngest Black's somewhat eccentric behavior. Is he even right in the head to be teaching at Hogwarts as he is?

Of course, that is a question for another time, as well as the question of whether his eccentric behavior would or wouldn 't make him an enjoyable partner in bed. Today's question revolves around the identity of Stubby Boardman, the lead singer of The Hobgoblins, which is best known for its son, "That Muggle Girl My Mother Doesn't Know About," who disappeared from the public eye before the war started.

Stubby Boardman is, of course, his enigma to magical society, having performed with his other three band members, Elijah Dogbane, Carlos Sow, and Lennie Hammers, who 've since been identified as Adrian Prewett, Elias Ruiz, and Oscar Figgis, yet Stubby Boardman remains an unknown with Prewett, Ruiz, and Figgis all remaining mum regarding his actual identity.

Except we may now know the identity of one Stubby Boardman, who, according to Doris Purkiss of Little Norton, is, in fact, Sirius Black. However, she claims that Sirius Black is the secret identity adopted by Stubby Boardman when the Black family needed someone to care for their heir.

Doris says, "I mean, someone should have figured out by now that it's odd that the younger is the heir, but caring for the heir paid more. " She learned this from their last dinner date, a rather romantic affair when he broke up with her. "And is it no wonder that his band members don't want to talk to him as he's abandoned them to live a life of luxury? Even I feel abandoned by him."

There does seem to be something shady about those Black brothers, something that draws us in, yet putting aside the fact there is no record of Sirius Black dying during the war as well as a record of him attending Hogwarts. At the same time, there is none of this Stubby Boardman; it does stand to reason that Sirius Black is indeed Sirius Black, albeit the secret and last member of The Hobgoblin 's that we have yet to identify.

As for why he 's been disinherited, that can be anybody's guess, though I, Rita Skeeter, am on it, as any news regarding the Black brothers is absolutely delicious.

~

"Delicious? More like utter trash?" Walburga fumed, slamming the paper down onto the coffee table. "Could you for once not draw attention to yourself, Sirius"?

"It's Rita Skeeter," Regulus piped up, drinking his cup of tea with all the elegant poise expected of someone in the Black family while his older brother leaned on the couch, having already told their mother to sod off as it wasn't her place to be.

"And that's supposed to mean?"

"She'll print anything, dear mother."

"Don't patronize me, Regulus! You're still a child, remember!"

"He is not!" Sirius let out a sigh. "Get your head out of the clouds, woman."

Walburga hit the paper. "Well, it wouldn't surprise me if you were Stubby Boardman!"

"Why couldn't I be Stubby Boardman?" Regulus piped up.

Sirius turned his head, looking at his younger brother. "Wait? You?"

"Yes, me."

A burst of laughter erupted from Sirius. "You've got to be kidding me!"

"Orion! Say something! Don't just sit there! Do something..."

"And why couldn't Regulus be Stubby Boardman?"

Regulus stared as Orion took a drink of his tea as Sirius ' laughter became louder, to the point he fell off the couch he'd been lounging on. Walburga glared at her husband. "Really, Orion. If it's either of them, it would have to be Sirius! "

"And why, dear mother, would I be the lead singer of my favorite band?" Sirius laughed just in time for Regulus' attempt to take another drink of his tea, only to go down the wrong tube. Sirius was getting up and waved off Regulus' response. "Okay. It's my favorite wizard band as there's a bunch of Muggle..."

"That's why!" Walburga screeched at the top of her lungs. "You have to be this Stubby Boardman because only you would come up with such an atrocious song as 'That Muggle Girl My Mother Doesn't Know About! You horrid, horrid boy! How dare you put your filthy habit of picking up Muggle girls under my nose just to spite me into song."

His laughter stopped. "I've never."

"Don't lie about penning it to..."

"I can't pen what I did not do," Sirius muttered. "Stubby Boardman is nobody here in this room, but thank you, mother, for the good laugh."

Regulus, in turn, stared at the cup of tea as Walburga muttered. "You slept around enough. I'm surprised...."

"Perhaps we should have a change of topic?" Orion said. "Are you looking forward to another year of teaching at Hogwarts, my dear boy?"

"Oh, yes," Regulus perked up.

"That—you—Orion!"

Sirius started laughing again. "Perhaps not the best subject to bring up in front of her old man? "