I'm getting better, but also getting worse.
So I didn't write, the next day like I said I would. But, in my defense, I was feeling pretty shitty, and life kinda sucked the entire day. Also, I was visiting a friend. Let's call him P. He's a nice guy, may not understand but he cares anyway.
I was also missing another friend. Let's call him H. He gets me. Well, I think he does, he might just want to hit and run, but I like his attention anyway. He's funny and he makes me wanna tell him stuff. He gives slight crackhead, but you don't really see much of that in this country, so I'll take what I can get. We used to have all these late night calls, where we tell each other stuff and laugh and make silly promises, and it was all so nice to at least give myself the illusion of slowly falling in love.
Then my phone got smashed, and reality set in. I can't believe I just fell so quickly. I almost forgot I'm damaged and no one in their right mind would want to stick around such a crazy individual, especially not someone like H. I don't know how to relate with someone in a social environment, and almost everything I say is copied off another person's script. You didn't get that last part? Well, let me explain.
I'm not a social person. I have like, 3 friends, excluding H. I don't relate with people, because I never know what to say. I learn how to have conversations by watching others hold conversations. I think it's like auditioning for a movie, but you don't know what you're supposed to say. You watch other people go up on that stage and perform, so you can at least have an idea of what you're supposed to do. And if you learn quickly, people might actually think you know what you're doing. But what happens when you get to a part that no else has acted out yet? A situation that you haven't seen people react to yet? What if someone says something and your mind goes blank? It's like the social situations part of your brain just goes into emergency mode. ..... I lost my train of thought. I can no longer add to this explanation.
So, right now, I'm listening to songs. I have this stuff, where listening to some songs make me visualize a place, and a certain theme. It's therapeutic for me. For example, the song 'Watermelon Sugar' by Harry Styles makes me think of a summer day at the beach. Maybe that's because the word summer is mentioned in the song, I don't really know. 'Everybody Dies In Their Nightmares' by XXXTENTACION makes me imagine a snowy forest at night. When I hear 'Girlfriend' by Siouxxie, I think of the Dark Dimension often referenced in Doctor Strange. You know, Dormammu's place? Only Doctor Strange fans will get this. Different songs give me different vibes.
Alright,bye for now! TTYL
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Death Note
غير روائيIn my country, people who are homosexual are criminalised. People with mental illnesses are seen as possessed, so they are demonized. Those who are gender non-conforming are seen as a disgrace to their family, and a menace to society. Giving the nex...
