I can feel myself slipping into the dark again. I knew this would happen because it always does. I'm becoming sad again. My (I wouldn't say best, but they're like my closest friend right now) friend, D, came over, and as usual, we just talked about stuff and laughed. I like when I spend time with people, because I can just shrug off the sadness, and flow right into my script. That feeling is amplified when I'm with D. I don't feel like I have to pretend when I'm with them, mostly because they're not looking or listening to me. I feel I can just have an animated conversation with them, about nothing in particular.
Yesterday I sat on my church roof and thought about killing myself. By jumping off the roof. I even had a whole conversation inside my head.
Why don't you jump?
There are people here, it would be public.
What's wrong with that?
It would be a publicized death.
But a death nonetheless.
Not here. Not like this. Not with everyone watching.
Everyone will know anyway. Admit it, you're scared.
I'm not scared. I just don't want to be a spectacle.
You're too weak to die, you're too weak to live.
No, I'm not.
You're a waste of space.
Stop it.
You're a shame to your family, your mother.
Leave me alone.
Your parents regret the day you were born.
Yeah, so that happened. While on the roof, people could still see me, but they didn't notice. Some of my neighbors did, and they pointed and laughed. That made me come down from the roof. I wanted to go to the children's Sunday classroom, as it would provide me with the view I wanted, without the chance of getting spotted, but the children's class felt too solitary.
(I think it's weird how I always want to be alone, but also, never want to be alone.)
I thought about playing a game of Russian roulette. It would be fun, wouldn't it? Just spin, and pull the trigger. Maybe, end up dead by mistake while you're at it. Fun fact: there's a 66.67% chance of anyone playing Russian roulette and surviving. Those seem like good odds to me. I would play, but I don't have a gun.
Alright... bye. TTYL, I guess.
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Death Note
Phi Hư CấuIn my country, people who are homosexual are criminalised. People with mental illnesses are seen as possessed, so they are demonized. Those who are gender non-conforming are seen as a disgrace to their family, and a menace to society. Giving the nex...
