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CHAPTER TWELVE. let light be light.
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I WAS SO NERVOUS to say what I said that I was almost anticipating my heart to fall out of my ribcage, landing as a pool of blood and nerves in my hands, offered up as his to take. It should be the other way around, I know that, but I don't think my heart is particularly willing for that to be the case. She finds her way through any loophole that'll lead me to melt in the arms of the first boy who's nice to me, weakening me to be dependant on their touch and their presence and their being. Jason was nice to be once upon a time... look how I've ended up now.
I rub the skin of my forearm as comfort to my shudders, "Stay." I repeat, "Stay?" the word ends with a question this time, beginning to doubt whether JJ missed my imperative or is rather choosing to ignore it.
"I heard you the first time." he confirms, back still turned in my direction. I begin losing hope that this could take us anywhere, slumping my back to show my loss of confidence. "I'm gonna shower now." he adds on.
"Watch your cuts," I say softly, "there's certain bacteria that are drawn to water. Get them deep in your wounds and you'll be left with an infection."
He faces me with a hung jaw, prepared to contribute something else to the conversation yet opting not to, instead prying open the pre-existing gap in the doorway and heading for the bathroom. Once the boy is fully out of my sight and his footsteps pause to indicate his arrival in the next room, I sink back down into the couch, head in my hands as I release a pent-up sigh. Like a weakened supervillain, I'm decreasing in power by the second, thereby decreasing in worth as lashing out is the only thing that keeps me relevant. Good people of the world need antagonists to maintain their good reputation. If that weren't the case, everyone would love villains. However, no one loves me, proving my theory right and suggesting that I may not be the innocent little girl I perceive myself to be.
I shoot a sharp and pain filled glance at my father's portrait, not bearing to look into his single-dimensional eyes for more than a blink's worth of time. He appears to be ashamed, disappointed of my failure to complete the one thing he needs me to do; I've let him down, and he's not even around to scold me for it. I knew what I was signing up for when I agreed to this plan, I knew who and what I'd have to deal with, I knew this took strength. Notice the past tense? Yeah, I'm spiralling to failure.
