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CHAPTER THREE. cherry.
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EVER SINCE THE EVENTS at the Island Club, Jason has failed to let me out of his sight. Our roller-coasting relationship appears to have more ups than downs recently, and some part of me knows deep down I should be relieved, yet somehow I'm not. Relief isn't something I can allow myself to experience around him, as I know his coldness comes when least expected. He's never kind without intent, but neither am I, and I can't help but wonder who learned that from who.
Back to the idea of constantly being under his surveillance these past days, I can't remember the last night I spent in my own bed. Every evening, I am met with a pathetic 'I miss you' text or call from Jason, and I succumb to him foolishly by meeting him in my driveway minutes after receiving the message that signifies he's waiting for me. I'm lonely, I'll admit that, and it's not like I can occupy myself with Lola since Rafe has her as his lapdog. Me and her are one in the same; we love boys who provide us no comfort because it's the idea we've grown to normalize. Just take a look at our fathers.
In the span of less than an hour from when Jason sent his first text, I lay on my back in the cold of his linen sheets, turning my face away to mask my disappointment. I'm embarrassed for myself at this moment more than anything. For as long as I've been dating this humiliating excuse for a boy, sex with him has always been the same. Ruthless, controlling, prolonged, and unsatisfactory. His hand remains clamped around my throat throughout the entire duration, not caring to research how such actions should be executed in a pleasurable way and rather rushed, as if he wants to kill me.
I think he does want me dead. He fucks me like that's already the case, like I'm his toy, like I'm his. Jason has three ways he uses me for his own fulfillment; on my knees where I'm left to do all the work, on all fours so he doesn't have to look at me, and on my back — how I'm found in current time. The last, I presume, is how he prefers me to be, as this way he has the power to do anything he wishes. Anything: slap, choke, hit, push away, suffocate, et cetera. And, the worst part, I like it.
