Have you ever had an itch, and it's out of your range of sight so you assume it isn't a bite or a cut so you feel like it's okay to scratch it, and then when you do and it keeps itching, and you keep scratching and then one day you look at it in a mirror and it was a bite or scratch and it's now bleeding and probably going to scar? That's what happens when I look deeper at the people I know sometimes. I think they like me and I think everything's okay but then when I look a little bit deeper it's not that at all.
Just a few months ago I was dating this girl, I really liked her and I though that what I was feeling was love. But turns out, when she got herself in a bad situation, she turned on me. She left me out to dry and nearly ruined my life because of it. No, not because I would have a bad reputation. It was because she made me see all of my flaws perfectly. How I'm depressed, I talk too much, and a plethora of other problems with me. And now I see it, now I see how stupid I've been to think I'm so different. I'm just a worthless piece of nothing that no one could ever care about.
You may be wondering how taking too much is an issue, well when even your parents find ways to shut you up or change the subject so you don't keep jabbering on it becomes an issue.
Now that I see how others think of me their views have affected how I see myself, once upon a time I was okay with being me, with being a dork who wore boys clothes and didn't talk much. But then I was told that my clothes didn't look okay, and that my arms looked weird. So I changed to skinny jeans and zip up hoodies. Then one day someone called me fat, so I changed to baggy hoodies and baggy T shirts. And when that girl, and a few others that I now know about, spoke about my flaws I see them clearly.
I have also learned that people see how horrible I am in relationships. I have this horrible inability to be in a relationship. I don't know quite how to compliment people or what to do around them. Once I get a boyfriend or girlfriend I become scared to be near them privately because I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when I hang out with them. I don't have anyone like that right now, and maybe that's for the best. From what I have learned I'm a little bit unlovable, I'm sorry.
