Teddy

Chapter Twelve: A list *

Willa if you can't offer me all of you,
I bow out of the claim of you,
Your heart is all I know
Where yours has been kindred with two,
She knows it as I do
The intimate hum of you
To be loved by you
But I need all in, not a stake in it
Nor a claim, among many.
I need you
And I need you to need that too
For me alone to be enough for you
But Willa if you can't offer all of you,
If you are still split in two,
I give back my half and claim not an inch of you
Love you, I do, always, forever, and a day, but I can't be one of two
And neither can you

***

"Mama what are you doing out here?" Harper asked as she opens the back door and finds me by the fire pit.

I take the scrawled words of poetry I had just written and throw it into the fire pit, it wasn't something I wanted Willa to read, only feelings I had to write down for fear they would suffocate me.

"Considering writing a list of all of the reasons I should never speak to Willa again" I return childishly.

I look down at my phone and see her messages coming through, but I ignore them and stuff the phone further down the seat cushion.

"And what would you write on it?" Harper asks, coming over and snuggling down next to me as we watched the flames in-front of us flicker and crackle.

I look down to her leaning against my arm and I sigh "so far it's not a list, it's one thing..."

"What's that one thing" Harper asks frowning, "I literally can't think of one thing Willa has done that would ever make you stop speaking to her."

"Tonight she met Morgan for a drink at her hotel bar after their therapy session" i reveal.

Harper sits up, mouth falling open "well that was a stupid thing to do"

I nod "agreed"

Harper thinks about that a little more, her hazel eyes returning to me with concern "Mama I know I'm not going to stop the clogs from turning right now in your mind, but honestly it wouldn't have been anything inappropriate I'm sure"

"The fact they even met for a drink is inappropriate Harper" I state and my blood begins to boil again. Willa knew I was nervous about the therapy. Then she had gone one step further and made the whole thing so much worse, by meeting Morgan after, alone.

"What are you going to do" Harper asks sitting back down beside me.

I feel the anxiety rise inside to even think about how mad I was at Willa, and to imagine them together, her and Morgan it would eat away at
me. "Aunty Augusta called tonight... her twins are due any day now. I think I might use the last week of my vacation time to go and help her out, she's so worried about it all, these being her first babies"

Harper rolls her eyes at me.

"Thats called running away Mama and it won't solve a damned thing" she says.

I squeeze her arm and nod "I am running away I won't deny it, but not from the issue, from spending my last week of vacation giving Willa the silent treatment when I could be making use of myself with Gus. Augusta is the last of us to have a baby, and without mama there to help her like she was with me. I feel it's my responsibility as they eldest to go and hold her hand through it all, and be there where mama would want me to be"

"I understand that, but It doesn't have to be a week of silent treatment with Willa, mama, you could actually work it out and talk it through" she asks.