Seinfield: Burning Desires

The Confession

[Interior: Monk's Cafe]

We fade in on Jerry sitting across from both Kramer and George in their iconic booth, head in his hands. It's raining outside and there are few patrons other than the three men, older than last we saw them.

George: "You see, I just can't pee at a urinal."

Kramer: (pause for laugh) "Well why not?"

George: "I don't know, it's just... I feel like I'm being watched."

Kramer: "But no one's watching you at a urinal! That's the beauty of it! Getting to drop your pants to the floor and just let loose wherever the wind blows!"

(pause for laugh)

George: "..."

Kramer: "..."

(they look at Jerry expectingly)

Jerry: "..."

George: "Jerry."

Jerry: (startled) "Huh?!"

George: (pause for laugh) "Well aren't you gonna say something?"

Jerry: (confused) "Like what?"

Kramer: "At this point you usually say something like (in high pitched, cracked voice) 'Well people are definitely watching YOU, Kramer'"

Jerry: (pause for laugh) "I do NOT sound like that."

Kramer: (points at Jerry and makes Kramer noises)

(pause for laugh)

George: "Okay, well something is definitely up with you"

Jerry: "Well... ever since Elaine left... I don't know..."

George: "Don't know what?"

Jerry: "The 'she-man-igans' are off balance!"

George: (pause for laugh) "She-man-igans?!?"

Jerry: "When there's a group of men, they tend to mess around. They make jokes. They get physical with each other. With a woman in the room, they have to man up and be more straight with each other. Otherwise, things could get... out of hand."

George: (nervously holding a ketchup bottle) "Wh- out of hand how?"

Jerry: (raised eyebrow) "Remember prison?"

George: (accidentally squirts the bottle, flustered, blushing) "Don't mention prison!"

(long pause for laughter)

Kramer: "Ahhh, prison. Good times."

Jerry: "We can't ignore what happened in prison, George."

George: (whispering frantically) "B- but none of that meant anything! We date new women every week! To be taken away from that for a year... a man has needs! It's understandable, right?"

Kramer: "You mean you're not gay?"

George: (angrily) "Of course I'm not gay!!"

(pause for laugh)

George: "Not that there's anything wrong with that. As we learned in our diversity acceptance seminars in prison, homosexuality is not a choice, and it's not disgusting. Love is a wonderful thing, no matter who has it with who. I personally do not identify with homosexuality as I love women."

Jerry: "But don't you see George?! You don't love women! When's the last time you went out with a woman you genuinely loved? When's the last time you even WANTED to go out with a woman?"

George: "But the sex, Jerry!! The sex is so good!"

Jerry: "Remember the seminar? It's entirely possible to form sexual relationships with women as a homosexual man, in fact, you can be sexually attracted to one gender and romantically attracted to another. It's like how Lois Lane loves Clark Kent for his personality, but loves Superman for his bulging muscles and awesome ice fortress."

George: "... Jerry, are you attracted to Superman?"

Jerry: "Yes, but don't change the subject. You only date women because you feel pressured as a man to date women when that doesn't make you any less of a man than if you were to stay single or date another man."

George: "..."

Kramer: "Yeah, George. It's ok. We both love you and we won't judge you. Isn't that more important than what 'THE MAN' tells you to think?

Jerry: "You can't lie to yourself anymore. What we had in prison was beautiful. Don't you want that again?"

Kramer: "Yeah, I thought he was happy with us."

George: "Well... maybe I was a little happy."

Kramer: "No no, you were REALLY happy"

George: "OKAY OKAY, I was really happy... Are you happy?"

Jerry: "Yes, George. We're both very happy. We love you."

George: "I love you guys too..."

Kramer: "I'M KRAMER"

(they hug)

[freezeframe, credits roll while the funky theme plays]