Stages of Grief ~ BUCKY BARNES/WINTERWIDOW

First phase: Denial

"The mourners feel emotionally paralyzed and emaciated, but they also tend to break a lot of emotions. In many cases, the bereaved may not be able to think clearly and speak, which may seem indifferent to others. Rejection may occur not only in the first stage but also later in the processing. In a good case, this is a temporary defense, replaced by partial acceptance of the situation. ''

Fury acquitted him from service for weeks but also sent him to a psychologist. He didn't go to the doctor to talk about what happened, and that didn't surprise anyone. He felt tired, for days he sat alone and looked at front of himself, focusing on nothing. At other times he sobbed, his stomach jumping into knots, sickness coming over him. He survived these attacks by lying on the ground, hugging himself, so that way he won't feel that lonely. It soon became clear to everyone that Bucky Barnes could no longer be sent on missions. Then S.H.I.E.L.D. moved him to a sheltered house away from everything and everyone.

Bucky's life was dismal. Emptiness choked him from the inside.

Sometimes he turned on the TV and watched commemorations of Natasha. Once he saw Steve talking about the "unfortunate event." His grief seemed honest, but he never went to see James. He didn't mind that. He needed no sorry.

He still couldn't believe it. The perfect, adroit Natasha couldn't die. He trained her himself. She could defend herself from anyone, she fought against the Chitauri and Ultron, yet Dr Doom became her end. He was unable to process this.

He would have given everything to see the red strands once more spread in the morning sunlight on the pillow, as they slept together after a long day. If he could the perfect kiss of her wild lips and the smell of the material of her dress used in the missions just once more.

His heart was bitter. He couldn't think of anything. He just stared at the screen and Steve's sorrowful face, then Avengers'. According to Clint, this wouldn't have happened if Natasha went on a mission with him. The words didn't even reach his consciousness. As if he didn't know how to feel, and wished it was true.

Days later, Steve visited him. He would have liked to slam the door at the Captain's face, but he didn't even stand up from the couch to greet him. He was watching the TV, the speculations in it about who was responsible for Natasha's death.

"Buck ..." Steve sat down next to him.

"Go, Rogers." Bucky cut in his word.

"I thought I just check on you."

"Fury sent you right?"

"Fury knows you're not going back. He deleted your files and every piece of information about you. You are free."

"I hope you are not surprised if I can't express my joy at all."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"You did not attend the press conference. The media has labelled you indifferent to the case."

Bucky was silent. He was deeply angry with the statement his friend had told him. But his emotions did not appear on his face.

"I don't know what I could have said Steve. I would have been blamed for everything that happened."

"This is not true."

"Tell Clint."

"Clint's just mad. He loved Tasha very much."

"Me too."

Steve sighed.

"I know pal. "Then he glanced at the TV. He reached for the remote control. "Why are you looking at these?"

"Because this is the truth."

"No!"

"How would you know you weren't there."

"I just know."

- Now you can't even judge me anymore reasonably."

"I do not want to."

"You should."

Steve sighed, his two blue eyes hanging over his friend's face.

"Will you come to her funeral?"

"We are going bury her this so soon?"

"We have to. But there will be no one but us. The Avengers and you."

"That's just enough."

"She would want you to be there ..."

"That's why I'm going. I loved Natasha ..."