Stages of Grief ~ BUCKY BARNES/WINTERWIDOW

Third Phase: Bargaining

"The mourner in the third phase, if he was unable to face the loss and found no culprit in the second phase, tries to reach a kind of agreement, which may delay the inevitable. In this case, all sorts of questions arise: What would have happened if did this or that differently, etc. The underlying intention of these is to protect the mourner from the painful reality."

"What if I told her I'd solve it alone?"

"Bucky ..." Steve glanced around in the kitchen of the Avengers' headquarters. He felt this isn't going to be a conversation that anyone else should hear. "Don't start this again."

"But still ..." Bucky elbowed on the marble breakfast counter. There was sleeplessness in his eyes. The "what if" question did not let his mind rest. "I could have done it alone."

"She went with you because she loved you and didn't want to put such a burden on you. Going on a mission alone is a big responsibility." Cap tried to close the subject.

"She shouldn't have loved me..."

"You are right." Clint didn't look nearly as miserable as James, but everyone could see the darkness heavy in his heart. "Matt was even better than you."

Bucky pulled his hoodie over his face and tolerated his companion's words. A choking feeling spread in his chest. Steve noticed this but didn't speak. He knew his friend would hate it if he had to rely on his protection.

"I take the silence as a sort of agreement." The archer began to prepare his breakfast. "You know, I think I would have been better than you, but we can agree that Murdock is the best." He spat.

"I saved her once when I was the Winter Soldier," Bucky muttered desperately.

"And why did you find it so difficult to do it a second time?" Clint rolled the bacon strips in his pan with trembling hands.

"I still do not know." Bucky suddenly felt so bad. Leaning on the counter, he stood up. "I have to go."

He stormed out of the room. He heard Steve's steps as he ran behind him and then slowed down as he let him run. He needed a walk to clear his head.

The smoky New York air almost sank into his lungs as he stepped out the door. A cold, breeze struck his cheek. The world hurt, it hurt to exist. Thousands of "What if " sentences screamed cruelly in his head. Enraged, he kicked an empty bottle in front of him and then headed in a direction he didn't know.

He didn't know how, but he found himself in front of a door. As if time had skipped, it was already dark, and the temperature had turned to negative degrees. A huge neon billboard flickered over his head. He already knew where he was.

He sighed, breathing white patches of steam into the air. This had to come sooner or later too. Pressing down the door handle, he found the door open. Could he have expected his arrival?

He warmed up as he climbed to the top floor. He did not choose the elevator, because he needed time to gather his thoughts.

He knocked in front of the apartment while he knew he didn't need to do so at all.

"Come in!"

He stepped in. Matt Murdock was sitting on his couch, with his back to Bucky. He didn't wear his usual shirt, his hair, which had always been so well combed was now tangled.

"I heard you coming. You don't have to be nervous, I know you are, your heart doesn't beat like this because you choose the stairs instead of the elevator. Sit down, please.

Bucky sat down, then looked out the window, right at the illuminated billboard.

"Clint is angry..."

"And I am too." Daredevil breathed sharply. "But unlike him, I'm not angry at you. Natasha's death wasn't your fault."

"But what if ..."

"Thinking about 'What if' never helps. Believe me, I know this feeling. Natasha is not the first person I lost in my life."

"You've known her for a long time?"

"Yeah. Not as much as you, of course." The blind eyes stared bitterly at nothing.

"Clint thinks you were better than me. And I have to agree with him." Bucky admitted. What kind of a man he is if he is unable to protect the ones he loves?

"Clint's grief speaks instead of him, while he knows you are the man Nat loved truly. Everybody saw it. Never let anyone say I was better than you."

Bucky loved Natasha with a pure heart. He had no memory of anyone else with whom he has had such an intimate relationship. And now he felt like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. He wanted to cry and cry.

"Why does it hurt so much?"

"It always hurts." Matt's lips turned to a bitter smile. - The feeling never goes away, but after a long time, it will subside..."