Stages of Grief ~ BUCKY BARNES/WINTERWIDOW

Fifth Phase: Acceptance

"The moment that loss no longer captures the mourner's every moment, a new relationship with the world and themselves may begin to form. In this phase, the deceased still lives on in the mourner's memories, but at the same time, they are able to live a stable life. They can rejoice in the beauties of life, have no sense of guilt, and have life goals and plans to accomplish them. They renew social relationships, and the bodily symptoms of grief may subside. Many mourners might feel emotionally weak or vulnerable after the five phases, while others feel stronger and are ready to close this chapter of their life."

Bucky's back flushed with the cold gravestone, his soul crushed by momentary weakness. His lungs were pierced with pain, but he didn't want to cry, after all this time he felt he should be stronger. Natasha died as a hero, so he should remember her accordingly. But after a full year, he was unable to do so. Maybe he should let go; Natasha has always been his lover for him and not the Black Widow.

"What do you think I should do?" He asked the silent granite tombstone, with a faint hope on his face as if waiting for an answer.

"That's what I thought." He agreed to the answer that didn't exist.

He was not supposed to be at the cemetery at all, but it was on his way home so he was unable not to pay a visit. Even at six o'clock in the morning, when the sun came up on the horizon and when dew still covered the grass, which successfully soaked his soiled pants.

Although Fury destroyed all his files, he occasionally returned to the S.H.I.E.L.D. He needed to do something with himself, and working also helped him overcome his grief. He was barely in touch with Steve. According to the Captain, he had changed radically, but he stayed hopeful about him finding his old self again. However, Bucky saw very little chance of that, because he felt that an important part of his soul was resting under the tombstone with Natasha. He started to accept the huge changes in his life, he was ready to get to know his new self. But he doubted he would find new love, for he would never meet a woman like her again. He knew one thing; he didn't want to die alone. He admitted to himself that there would be moments still when he might need someone's help, care, maybe even love.

"What are you thinking this much about dude?" He was addressed by a voice that was all too familiar. "I can see the gears turning in your cyborg head."

"Clint?" Bucky raised his gaze to the man standing above him.

"The one and only." Clint sat down on the grass. "How long have you been here?"

"An hour, maybe?"

"Then you came early." The blonde admitted.

"I'm just off from work". Bucky looked again at his dirty clothes.

"Everything went smoothly?"

"As usual."

For a moment, both of them listened to the silence.

"Murdock's not coming?" Bucky finally asked.

"I do not think so." Clint shrugged. "He may have been already here, we just didn't notice."

"If you didn't notice him we are in trouble"

"That's true." The archer began thinking. "That was the first year without her, how many more will come? What do you think?"

"I don't want to think about that."

"Don't you believe that we will see her again?"

"I don't know what to believe in anymore." Bucky forced a half-smile on his lips. "I believed in America, the Hydra, the S.H.I.E.L.D., then in Steve and Natasha. And all of them left me."

"You must find something that you can believe in again. Everyone needs to hold onto something."

"Well, then ..." Bucky's eyes ran over the letters engraved into the gravestone. "I believe that I will see Natasha again."