!TW! This includes mentions of sexual assault, self harm, suicidal thought and eating disorders.
One.
Two.
Tree.
Four.
Five. The man didn't listen when I said no.
Six. Preschool starts. I'm learning much quicker than my friends.
Seven. My stomach hurts. I witness my sister have an epileptic fit. At least I'm doing well in school.
Eight. I have to work harder, otherwise my life will be tough. I start going to grandmas house after school. I realize I don't do well in social situations.
Nine. I see the school counselor for the first time. Apparently I'm a hypochondriac. My sister is mad all the time. My parents start comparing me to my friends.
Ten. My sister says she wants to die. For the first time in my life I become invisible. My family fights every day. I pick up the pieces. It's getting hard to keep my grades up with everything that's happening.
Eleven. Every time we have dinner they fight again. My sister always screams at me. I'm still invisible, I've come to terms with it now. My dog stays by my side when I cry and nobody notices. I find comfort in music.
Twelve. At what age does your stomach stop hurting? My sister pushed me against the wall and locked me in a room. School is my safe place. My heart picks up when I hear dad walk up the stairs. Grandma is diagnosed with cancer.
Thirteen. Dad forgot my birthday. I crave to be seen. I stop eating. They don't see me. I tell them. The doctor tells me I'm a month away from death. They finally see me again. My first ever anxiety attack. I'm so fixed on my grades that nothing else matters, my family agrees. Another man didn't listen when I said no.
Fourteen. I finally understand my sister. Now I too see no point in living. I pick up a blade for the first time. My teachers find out. I'm a good liar, I manage to convince them everything is fine. My sister is diagnosed with depression. I'm invisible again. The fights start again. I can't stand living in this house anymore. I do everything in my power to get out. School has never felt more like home.
Fifteen. Mum tells me that if she and dad get a divorce it will be my fault. I start telling my teacher how bad I hate it at home. I try so many things, but nothing works. I'm stuck in this house. My dog passes away. I stop eating disorder treatment. I beg to be seen for my anxiety. Rejected twice, there's nothing wrong with me. My sister is prescribed anxiety medication. My sister does not have anxiety.
Sixteen. It's time to choose a college. I apply to one so far away that I physically cannot live at home. I meet new friends. Even though I've never been this alone I have never been happier. I find out that my family uses my money for their things. I have to go home during the weekends. From Friday to Sunday my job is to clean up my family's mess. They still fight a lot, at least when I'm around. My grandma passes away. My grandmas sister passes away too.
Seventeen. I celebrate my birthday by myself. It was the first birthday in years where I didn't cry. My grades aren't significant to me anymore. I hope it gets better from now on.
"Nothing about the way that you were treated ever seemed especially alarming until now, so you tie up your hair and you smile like it's no big deal.
You can let it go. You can trow a party full of everyone you know, and not invite your family cause they never showed you love. You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up."
