Hushed words (tk)

I don't care.

---unedited.

Jungkook studied as much as he could, and when he couldn't focus, he punished himself in a way, not sleeping enough, not having food, pinching himself, or fighting with his sister so that he was scolded. He was trying to be hard on himself, but he was doing it on purpose. In simple words,  he was destroying himself by being foolish.

Today was his test, he didn't really feel like he was prepared, but he wasn't afraid either. All that he knew was that he'd give the test and come back home, fuck the results. 

Jungkook didn't know anything except for the fact that he had been feeling different ever since the last few days. He had realized, that he had changed. Well not new for him. Just like people updated their phones and apps, he updated himself, his personality, and how he acts to stuff.

And the recent update had been of not caring, not giving two fucks about who was around him, and just trying to live, to the fullest. Even though what he was doing was the only opposite.

And so, getting ready in his usual favorite black loose clothes, a black hoodie, and sweatpants, with sneakers on his feet, he walked out of his house, towards the cab that was supposedly waiting for him, to reach his cram school.

The cab was on time, and so he sat down, pushing his glasses back to his eyes, and lowering down the mask for a bit since he felt slightly sweaty. His hands were always cold and sweaty though, he didn't know the reasons, but he knew one thing, that whatever he may hold in his palms, it would get wet or wasted. The sweat wasn't smelly, just simply like water evaporating from his palms. He let it be, after all, he wasn't gonna hold hands with someone, or was he? He reached the cram school, and sat in one of the seats in the middle row, not glancing at people around him, simply waiting for the test to start, and getting his exam anxiety to stop wrecking his nerves.

...

Well, as he knew, his test wasn't good, not that good, yet he knew a few questions out of the 100 he got. A few, around 20, and he was satisfied. But...he didn't plan to share it with his family, did he? No. They get to know later, but in the meantime, he decided he'd just say, the paper was okay, and get asked and taunted, 'What do you even study for all those hours you're locked in your room!?' 

Nah, they can never know what he truly does, tries and weep around, otherwise simply, numbly stare at his surroundings, or even worst, overthink over why he's still alive, and try to stop himself from harming himself. 

He was sure of one thing, the day he ends up living alone, the first thing he might end up doing would be self-abuse because when it's all silent, all the voices inside his head start telling him that he should die. 

...

Jungkook walked into a cafe, with his hands in his pocket, since he still had time for the bus to arrive. He got a small frappe with a muffin and sat down in the corner, pulling out a book from his bag, 'How to make friends with the dark?' -That's what he was reading. 

Yeah, he was into reading books, basically cause it all gave him the required attention, as well as the required reality escaping that he usually needed. However, sometimes, when he could simply relate to characters and see their lives getting better, he couldn't help but imagine something like that for him too, thinking of someone who'll one day save him and help him to get free of all the shit he was submerged in, someone who'd truly love him, but then Jungkook's other self told him that he should stop imagining such stuff, cause as they said, Life wasn't really a fairytale, and to live through it, you won't always end up getting someone to save you, in his case, a prince charming or something like that?!

Jungkook was done with the frappe and muffin too quick and so he walked out of the cafe, with the book in his hand, towards the bus stop, seeing it still had five minutes or so, and so he sat down on one of the metal benches and turned open his book once again, holding the bookmark he had created just yesterday, which was nothing as such, just the note he had gotten with the chocolate that he received a week ago or so, attached to a string and thick background paper, making it look like a quote that said, 'It's alright, I understand', in italics.

Jungkook didn't know why, but this note itself gave him a feeling that maybe, he was really understood by someone, and maybe, just maybe, it was alright, whatever he had done and gotten through and maybe he should just simply let it be. 

...

The bus arrived and Jungkook entered, paying for his ticket and sitting on one of the back seats, not really noticing who was around him, or who was beside him since he was completely engrossed with the book. 

...