Forever & Always

11. Final game and farewells

Training seemed to go on forever and I knew that I was playing shit. I was missing passes, making stupid runs, missing tackles and overall I was totally out of it and I knew people knew there was something wrong. When we were finished I practically ran back to the changing room to try and avoid all conversations. I went straight in for a shower and when I got out everyone was looking at me funny but I just ignored them. I got changed as fast as I could and went to the canteen for some lunch. When I filled my plate I decided to sit on my own in the corner and just put in some earphones and do some analysis. When all the girls came in I knew they were talking about me. I could see Keira walk in and she came over in my direction and went to sit down next to me. "Don't" I said coldly
"What" she questioned
"Don't sit there, just go sit with your friends I'm trying to focus" i says pointing at the video playing in my phone. I knew I hurt her but my emotions were so all over the place that I didn't care.
"Fine" she said sadly as she walked away. I watched as she went and sat next to Steph and they both talked for a second before Steph turned to me and if looks could kill well let's just say I'd be dead.

When I finished my breakfast I walked back to an empty boot room and just sat there looking at the floor for a minute until I heard someone say
"What are you doing" I looked up and saw Steph
"Just getting my thing so I can go home"
"What's up with you"
"Nothing why"
"Stop lying Leah"
"I'm not Steph, look can we just drop it please I'm really no in the mood"
"No I can't because your breaking your promise"
"What promise" I ask angrily
"Remember the night of the team dinner, when we were at Georgia's house, you promised me you would never hurt Keira" she stayed silent for a second "your hurting her Lee" when she said this my head hung low. "How am I hurting her" I said standing up madly not wanting to believe her.
"I don't know Leah because she won't tell me but I know your hurting her, I can see it in her eyes. And why did you tell her to go away today."
"We'll is it a crime to want some time to myself for 5 minutes, and it's also not my fault that's she wants to help me Steph ok I can't impact the decisions that she makes, she's a grown woman and she can do what she wants, I've tried to tell her that I don't need help bust she just keeps persisting"
"Leah I'd really advise you to tone it down a bit and have some respect for the fact that people are trying to help you. We could easily bin you off and let you suffer in silence but we're not we're choosing to try and help you"
"Oh Jesus what do you want me to do get on my hand and knees and praise everyone, I wish people would get it into their heads that I don't need nor do I want help, I'm fine the way I am, ok I've come this far on my own and if it's that hard for people to be around me then maybe I should just leave"
"Leah calm down"
"Do you know what Steph NO" i shout "I won't calm down, ok because for once I'm telling you how I fell and it's rare that I do and now all you can tell me is calm down" "what if I want to leave Steph, what then" "what if I just want to get away from everything and everyone and be at peace, if I want to stop pretending to be something and somebody that I'm not" I say starting to cry. Steph just stood there speechless.
"I'm leaving now" I say as I grab my bags and walk out the door. When I opened it Keira was standing there with tears rolling down her cheeks, I just look at her sadly before walking past her and leaving the cfa to get into my car. I drove home and crashed on the sofa with my head in my hands knowing that I messed up. Knowing that I more than likely have hurt Keira and that her and Steph are right, I do need help because I know in my head and my heart that this is only getting worse. I make the sensible decision that I'm not in the right place to go to training for the next few days but I also know that I need to play the game on Saturday because it will be my last, so I think if an excuse before ringing Gareth
(Gareth in bold & Leah in italics)
Hello Leah
Hi Garth sorry for the late call
No that's no problem is everything alright
Yeah I just wanted to let you know that I'm not feeling very well so I may not be at training for the next couple of days but I will be back fit for Friday because I know how important Saturday is.
That's no problem Leah I'll let the girls and staff know and I hope you feel better.
Thanks Gareth see you Friday.
I couldn't sleep last night so I turned over and looked at my phone 5:55 I decided to get up and drive to the cliff . It was just sunrise when I pulled up so I got out and walked over to the bench to sit down. I pulled out my phone and took a picture. I decided there and then that I was going to post something without making people suspicious tho.