to the woman i wish i could be

the story behind "reminders"

this is to all the maladaptive daydreamers 

so where do i start? let's start from the beginning.

i've always never had the emotional support i needed from a young age. my family never really supported me and my friends were there, but there was something always holding me back from telling them. i don't know if it was because i found it hard to trust them or if it was because that maybe they wouldn't always be there. maybe it was because i felt like they'd judge me and leave me or maybe they would treat me differently. 

the only way that i could get emotional support was from myself. weird, right? i have literally created this fake person in my head who would support me through everything. who i could tell everything. i trusted that person and i think that it was because at the end of the day i was trusting myself. i would always have that person there, whether it would be a problem i need to get through in the present, help me get over my past and prepare me for what could happen in the future. it always made me feel like i am loved even though it's coming from myself but it's not. it's like that person is out there and that these are all memories which are being played. it seems all too realistic.

and this is where maladaptive daydreaming comes in. for people who don't know, maladaptive daydreaming which is sometimes known as daydreaming disorder, describes a condition where a person regularly experiences daydreams that are intense and highly distracting - so distracting that the person may stop engaging with the task or people in front of them. 

i realised i started maladaptive daydreaming when i was in lesson and a person in my class fainted. i saw who it was and they looked dead but asleep, it that makes sense. it brought so many upsetting memories up and i needed to find a way to calm down and to be okay with it. but i couldn't. i was shaken the whole day. my friends helped but i wouldn't open up to them. so that night all i could see were the memories replayed. i was awake that night and i created a scenario where i was comforted by someone who could understand me and could tell me that it's okay. it started off as one time thing. but i opened my eyes to how my life, family and society was. i never liked my society and culture and it caused a lot of problems for me since i was went against them. but whenever i went against them, i would always get a scolding and was told "your just gonna have to live with it". i never wanted to live with it and i don't want my children to live with it either. 

i wanted to create a fantasy world, a fake reality where i would be able to live life the way i wanna, knowing i wasn't able to. i remember all those times in lessons i would be daydreaming, i wouldn't notice when the teacher set us a task and my friend would push me to get my attention. they would ask me "what's wrong?" and i would give the same monotonous response of "nothing" then flash a fake smile, hoping i've convinced them enough. that's when i realised that i needed to grab a hold of myself, but i never did. i used this as a coping mechanism and i'm not wrong, it actually is "usually occurs as a coping mechanism in response to trauma, abuse or loneliness."

let me explain this one to you into more depth cause it's a weird one.

"i've said this before and i'll say it infinite times again

you never did anything wrong

it just wasn't in our favour

but whenever i close my eyes 

you will always be holding me tight

reminding me of all the good that has happened"

so the verse itself is kind of like a goodbye. i know that one day i will need to move on and when i do this would be my thoughts exactly. the part in bold is a subtle reference to the fact that it is all my imagination and unfortunately not true. 

the rest of the verse is when i say goodbye. whether that person is out there or not, the chances of me having a future with them is very little. there is someone out there like that but like i said, i won't be able to have a future with them. it's a way for me to move on into the future as i'm saying that "i no longer need to rely on you but i won't forget anything that has happened". in another view it's like i am telling myself that even though i don't do this to help myself, don't forget about the way that i did help myself and how i overcame all my problems and became a better version of myself.