Break the Man

Chapter 4 (part one)

April , 1982
Roland POV

"For you, sir." I said sarcastically as I held the studio door open for Curt. He smiled, laughing at me.

"Thank you kind sir." He replied back as I stepped in behind him. He stopped in the hallway as we got to our half of the studio and turned to look at me.

"Remember what I told you earlier?" He asked.

"About recording the song today?" I said, confirming with him.

"Yes. I promise you that you're stronger than you know." He said to me, putting his hand on my shoulder and gently squeezing. Even though his words and presence really were making things a lot easier lately, the whole truth was that I was terrified. I didn't want to express this to Curt because I was afraid I would come across as bothersome. The last thing I wanted was for him and I to start getting closer than we've ever been before, and then in turn show him a side that could drag him down with me. After getting lost in my own thoughts for a moment I smiled at him, acknowledging his words of encouragement.

"Thank you, Curt. It means so much. More than you know." I replied, smiling sweetly. And really, it did. I don't think he can really wrap his head around how much the things he does for me means. I don't think I could wrap my head around it either. He's given me the love and support that I've never received from anyone else before.

—————

"Ahh, there they are!" Chris, our producer, said as he dramatically put his hands together. This was the first time Curt and I were meeting his friend and fellow producer Ross Cullum. I was ecstatic to work with him because of his track record. He's worked with absolute legends, and the fact that he was willing to work with us on our first album was an absolute honor. After we entered the studio and closed the door behind us we went up to the two. We did some proper introductions, Ross sticking his hand out for both of us to shake. I was thankful to hear that Chris had already sort of explained our vision for this album, that way I didn't have to do much talking.
I sat down with Curt behind the soundboard while Chris and Ross started to discuss what they wanted to set up before recording started. I turned to look at Curt, which was something that I couldn't stop doing lately. Our eyes met and that feeling instantly came back again. He turned and motioned at me to lean in.

"Are you going to be alright?" He whispered to me, looking to make sure I was okay. Even though I was a little anxious about the whole thing, I shook my head yes, giving him all the reassurance he needed. Ross turned around to face me after he seemed finished completing the setup.

"So, Roland. Tell me about this song. I wanna understand what you want out of this. Your vision and your reason for writing." He said. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Curt turn his head toward me again, a concerned look on his face. I knew this question was going to come up. It was inevitable. Plus how was he going to do his job properly without knowing what the song was even about?

"Well... I've actually been sitting on this piece for a while now. I wrote it back in 'eighty when I was eighteen." I said as I started to explain. Curt's eyes were still fixated on me, his concern so clearly evident. I could also see that he was curious as to whether or not I was going to tell this man I had just met about one of the most personal experiences that I'd ever gone through. But I continued, because there was only one way I was going to get what I wanted out of this song. And that was to be transparently clear.

"Around the time I was sixteen I fell in love for the first time. And to say it had a uh... rocky ending would be an understatement. I won't go into much detail about what went on between us because Mr. Cullum I don't think you have that much time." I said, laughing jokingly. This made him smirk too. But I continued on.

"For the longest time it was the realest, most pure thing that I had ever experienced. It was me and this girl against the world. I thought she was my soulmate. But unfortunately, it ended very badly. And it wasn't like your typical breakup either. It was so much more than that. She crushed me. Every single piece of me. And she made sure that I was going to feel every moment of it too. Well, it worked. Then came this song. I actually wrote and completed it the very day she left me... I knew that I would never get her back. The love that I knew and was so familiar with. To put it in the simplest of terms, this is like a goodbye piece. This was my way of putting what we had to rest." I explained. I had Chris absolutely stunned with my words. He'd heard me explain my songs before, but I think this was the deepest he ever heard me go. And I had Ross speechless as well. I turned to face Curt for some mental reassurance. The look of concern on his face was still there, but he gave me a loving smile that made me blush.

"Not to brag or anything but I was actually there when he wrote the song. I watched him do it all." Curt said, with a sarcastic tone of pride. I turned to laugh at him and so did Ross and Chris.

"Well, Roland. Let's get you in the booth and record some of those killer vocals you got." Chris said, as he stood up and opened the door to the soundproof studio. I stepped inside and closed the door behind me. I couldn't hear anyone out there but I could see them. Chris and Ross were sitting at the soundboard, ready to start engineering. And Curt was standing behind them, watching me intently. I put the headphones over my ears, and I saw Chris get closer to the microphone.

"Alright Roland, whenever you're ready." He said. I gave him the thumbs up to press play on the backing track as I began to sing.

—————

"There's only need, I love your need.
So much I'm losing me.
I cannot see the reason for the pain."

The memories hadn't started to roll in, but some of the emotions did. But this was what I wanted. I wanted this song to be tainted, just like our relationship was.

"With hungry joy, I'll be your toy.
Just hoping you will play.
Without the hope my body starts to fail."

The sickening pain I had felt that day. The lyrics were already stained with that emotion. It was inevitable that I was going to experience this again while performing.

"Memories fade but the scars still linger.
Goodbye my friend.
Will I ever love again?
Memories fade but the scars still linger."

Fuck. Amelia. All I could think about was Amelia. I lightly shook my head in hopes that these intrusive thoughts would start to dissipate and that I would be able to continue on. The last thing I wanted to happen today was to have another episode. It's been quite a long time since Curt had seen me have one, and I was not looking forward to that happening today.

"The more I talk, the more I say.
The less you seem to hear.
I'm speechless in a most peculiar way."

I looked at Curt in the studio and it seemed like everything began to fade away. He was there but it was like he wasn't real. Curt suddenly wasn't himself anymore. All I saw was her. And the studio wasn't the studio anymore. I could hear the sound of the waves crashing along the rocks. I could hear her laugh, and see that sunset. It was the place I never wanted to revisit.