Break the Man

Chapter 4 (part three)

April , 1982
Curt POV

The way he was singing was deep, so moving that I wanted to cry. This was probably the first time I'd ever seen him in a state like this while recording a song. He was always known for putting himself into the music. Whether he was recording or performing live, but this was the first time I'd ever seen him like this. He was doing surprisingly well for having to perform this song, but there was still a lot of time left in the day. I just have a feeling this will eat at him for the rest of the day. I watched as he finished recording his vocals while Chris and Ross were toying with the sound. Chris turned around to give me a look, seeing if I approved. I threw my eyebrows up and nodded my head, letting him know I loved it. Chris gave Roland a thumbs up while he took the headphones off and stepped away from the mic. He exited the door of the recording booth and came out to look at me. He didn't look quite right. He looked pale and like his eyes were glassed over. That was the first thing that caught my attention when he came through the door.

"Hey kid. Chris said you were good but I wasn't expecting you to be that good. I'm blown away!" Ross said, putting his hands behind his head. Roland smiled a little bit at this and looked down to the floor.

"Oh.. thank you very much. I really appreciate that." Roland said, sounding sort of timid. He slumped down next to me in the chairs opposite the recording equipment. He started bouncing his leg a little bit and his breathing hitched. I decided I needed to chime in.

"Hey, Ro. That was good. Really good. I'm proud of you. It's gonna sound amazing." I said, looking at him and gently smiling. I lightly put my hand on his knee to show him my approval, but I remembered we weren't alone so I moved it right after. He immediately blushed when my hand came in contact with him, but he tried his best to shake it off.

"Thanks." He mustered out. I could tell something was starting to go wrong for him. Roland's train was about to derail.

"Hey... I'm uh- going to be right back I'm just gonna take a break for a second." Roland said as he quickly exited the room. Chris and Ross turned to me and shot me a look, but I just shrugged my shoulders like I didn't have the answer. I knew he was struggling with what just happened. He needed to clear his mind from all the memories that just came flooding back to him. I decided to give him a little bit of time, but when he didn't come back after about 5 minutes I knew I needed to go check on him. I checked around the room to make sure our producers were busy with something and wouldn't notice me slip through the door. Thankfully they didn't. I closed the door quietly behind me and set out down the hallway to try to find Roland. I peeked my head through almost every window, almost all of them being seemingly vacant. But I got to the last set of rooms and saw one that had a light on. Sure enough there he was, sitting on a couch that was in the corner of the room. He had his head drooped down, with his knee bouncing and his hands anxiously fidgeting. I gently knocked on the door and made my way in, closing the door behind me.

"Hey Ro. What's going on?" I asked him softly. He didn't really acknowledge me or my question, he just kept crying. He shook his head like he didn't know what to say, and that's when he looked up at me. His eyes were red and his cheeks were tear stained. He began almost shaking in his spot while he tightly closed his eyes and turned away from me. I took a seat next to him on the couch and wrapped my arm around his shoulder.

"Hey. Ro, darling, talk to me. What's going on?" I curiously asked, as he buried his head into my chest. His foot was bouncing so fast it was like his leg was about to come undone. He looked as if he just saw something terrifying. I made a slight look behind me to make sure no one was coming or would be able to see us. I tightly grabbed his hands with mine and brought them up, lightly planting a kiss on the top of one of his hands. He was still freaking out, but it seemed like my grip on him was helping his body settle.

"C'mon, love, talk to me. Tell me what's going on. Is it the song? Is it her?" I inquired. He shook his head, even though it was still connected with my chest.

"Yeah. It's both." He said, timidly. And just like that my suspicions were confirmed. I was a little worried that Chris was going to come at any moment and find us here, but I was more worried about bringing Roland back down to earth.

"I know. I know how rough this still is for you and I'm so sorry." I said, stroking his hair.

"What if all this crashes just like it did with me and her? I'm so scared, Curt. You don't scare me, but this whole idea does. I really don't even know why you chose me. You remind me of her because you're so handsome and beautiful and you could have just about anyone you wanted. But you picked me. Why?" He said to me, holding back his tears and just letting the words flow. I was so scared that this was going to happen, from the moment I first told him how I felt last night. He has a habit of letting words and thoughts eat him up. He also has this horribly tainted view on love that he just cannot get past. Anyone that loves him is Amelia. Love and Amelia are synonyms in his mind. And I absolutely hate that.

"Roland, you sound crazy. No, please don't feel that way. Please." I said, pleading with him. I put my finger under his chin and lifted it, so he would be looking at me. I finally got his eyes to meet with mine.

"You can say all that stuff about me. That I'm handsome and beautiful and everything else you think about me. But it doesn't make it true that I would want anyone besides you. Ro... I've fought for so long to finally get to have you and now I almost do. I mean... I guess you were right when you said I could get anyone I wanted because I got you. And that's all I really give a shit about right now. Is you. And being able to show you the love that you deserve to have. Because I love you. I love every single piece of you. I could go on forever about the things that I think about you but I won't because we'd be here all afternoon and I don't wanna be locked up in this studio." I said, which got him to smile a little bit. But he was still dumbfounded at my response to his insecurities.

I'm gonna try to make everything better for you this year, Ro. I promise. I'm willing to work with you. And to fix you. I want you to be the best you." I said, looking him deeply in the eyes.

"I love you." I said, finally. I leaned down and captured his lips with mine, kissing him deeply. My hand reached up from his waist, to the base of his neck. We pulled apart as he looked at me.

"You mean all of that stuff?" He asked, looking at me curiously. I smiled, closed my eyes and shook my head.

"Of course I do, Roland. I wouldn't ever lie to you babe." I said, as I leaned down and quickly kissed him one more time.

"Babe?" He asked, mocking me because of what I had just called him. I smiled at him and blushed hard, not really realizing I had called him that.

"Whoops. Sorry about that." I said, still blushing. He brought his hand up to behind my neck and wrapped his fingers through my long ponytail.

"No, don't apologize. I liked it." He said, smiling. He leaned in and kissed me one more time, making both of us smile.

"You know we should be careful and probably ehm, head back now. I don't want anyone to see us like this, y'know." I said, trying to play it safe.

"You're right. We can't be pushing it too far." He said, standing up off the couch and looking down at me. He reached his hand out for me to take as I stood up after him. He moved the small tuft of hair that was covering my forehead and lightly kissed it.

"Thank you, Curt." He said quietly.

"You don't need to thank me, Ro. Thank you for letting me love you." I said, looking back to him and slightly smiling.

"Yeah, yeah. Let's get on with the music and cut the romantic crap. Your sweetness is gonna make me puke." He sarcastically said, jokingly rolling his eyes. He walked out the door of the side room we were in and started heading back down the hallway to the studio. All I could do was just smile and laugh. This boy had me wrapped around his calloused-covered, guitar playing finger.