I Almost Do

3

Oh, we made quite a mess, babe
It's probably better off this way
And I confess babe, in my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I wanna try again with you
And I almost do

"Are you sure you're up for this?" my best friend asked me as we sat along the outdoor tables of a new cafe she had been raving about. "You've been staring off into space for god knows how long. Your coffee's probably ice cold now."

I shook my head and tried to plaster a smile on my face, "I've been distracted about the job offer that's all."

Her eyes bore through me, trying to decide whether to believe me or not, "It's a huge opportunity, but are you sure it's worth it? I mean, this isn't really what you wanted to do, remember? We had plans of traveling, seeing the world..."

"My plans haven't been working out now, have they?" I snapped unintentionally.

She reached over and placed her hand on my forearm. "Everything will work out, but you taking this job? ... It's running away. You have to face this head on. You are so much stronger than this."

"I just feel so... Lost" I said belatedly, "It's like I've been uprooted and now I'm just floundering about, seeing where the tide plans to take me."

"You're going to be alright. You remember that I'm really just here for you."

I wanted to talk about how I felt derailed from the entire future I had mapped out. Of course, that included him. But after the break-up, I felt like I was starting from square one. Finding a new apartment was the first on that list. I'd been camping out in my old room at my dad's house, but I could feel the stares from his new family, a glaring stare that made me feel like I was in front of a thousand camera flashes every time I had to be around them. They were smug about my so-called "fall from grace". From being the almost-wife of the successor to a Fortune 500 company to ... Whatever I was right now. They just loved the fact that I was no longer the golden girl my father painted me out to be.

I had no idea what I wanted to do, but I was sick of having to hear about my failure. Was I that pathetic? Was my life so rooted in our relationship and in him that I didn't recognize who I was once he was out of the picture?

I wanted to think I was more than that.

I could be more than that.

"I'm taking the job." the words were out of my mouth before I could think about it too much. I took a deep breath and looked up to meet her eyes. "I'm sending in my acceptance letter today."

She looked taken aback, as she should. I loved my old job. Everyone knew it was my dream to work there, but I felt like I needed a change of pace and scenery already. Moving away would be good. I'd miss my friends and the comfort this city gave me, but I thought it would be good for me. I couldn't grow in the same plot I withered. I had to find a place that would make me healthy again.

She was silent for a while but her eyes were trained on me, seemingly studying me. I held her gaze, hoping she could see that this was something I really wanted - something I had to do. She kept me there for a few more seconds before looking away, taking a deep breath, and picking up her glass to take a sip of water. "Good for you. You deserve that." was all she said.

And that was that.

She didn't push me any further, and I was grateful for that. She occupied the rest of the time with mindless chatter. We went on talking about apartment hunting, interiors, and all the other things that went with my move. After a few hours, she told me she had another engagement to attend to and we went our separate ways.

I decided to head over to the store near my new place. I thought it would be more convenient for me to buy my things once I was in Seattle, but I wanted to get an idea of what I would be needing and how much I'd have to set aside for that. I was by no means hurting for cash, but it had been a while since I had to spend on something this big.