Reliving Regrets

CH00

Deja Vu

People used to say we only regret the chances we didn't take. And so I thought, maybe taking other options will bring peace to me.

But I never knew that some chances are cunning. 

Some are meant to haunt your thoughts and to give you a basket of what-ifs.

"Will you marry me?" there was a long pause of silence before everyone cheered for him.

Pinagmasdan ko ang bawat isang narito, mga mukha ng taong pamilyar at mga taong kuryoso lamang marinig ang magiging tugon. Ang iba ay abala sa pagkuha ng larawan, ang iba naman ay nakatingin sa eksenang maari ng pumasa bilang pelikula.

Iilan sa kanila ay mayroong kakaibang guhit sa mukha at halatang hindi na makapaghintay paingayin ang dalang wine glass. Ang iba ay may matamis na ngiti at naluluha habang pinagmamasdan ang eksena. Ang iba ay seryosong nakatingin at may pagpigil ng hininga.

Iba iba man ang ginagawa ngunit iisa ang pakay kung bakit narito silang lahat at nakapalibot. Iyon ay marinig ang natatanging sagot.

"Yes!" sabay punas sa luhang nagsimula ng pumatak.

Nakahinga ng maluwag ang lahat at nagsimulang humiyaw. Halos lahat ay naguumapaw sa kaligayahan, may iilang nakahawak sa kanilang dibdib at naluluha, mayroon naman pumapalakpak.

Ano man ang naging reaksyon ay iisa lang ang kanilang nararamdaman. Kaligayahan.

Mabilis kong ininom ang alak at tipid na ngumiti bago hinawi ang daan. My eyes never leave the floor as I try to escape from the pool of people.

"Lory!" huminto ako nang marinig ang sariling pangalan.

"Kanina pa kita hinahanap!" hinahabol nito ang paghinga at ikinabit ang braso sa akin.

"Nalibang lang ako" tugon ko at muling tinignan ang eksena.

"That girl is lucky," Shane stares with envious eyes.

"You think so?" I said. Muli kong tinignan ang dalawang magkasintahan bago sila talikuran at lumakad paalis.

Mabilis naman akong nahabol ni Shane. "Oo, kaya! It was the proposal that every girl in this world dreamed of."

Tipid ko siyang nginitian at inubos ang natitirang patak ng alak. Shane and I have never had the same perspective, but at this moment, somehow, I couldn't disagree. 

Who wouldn't love a proposal in a fancy restaurant, complete with a red carpet, candles, and rose petals?

It was a genuine version of a fairytale story with a happy ending.

My mouth forms a thin line as I realize that it is me. It is I who didn't like the idea. Now, some taste of bitterness creeps in. I don't know which one influenced it: was it the alcohol or my memories? I want to deny the latter.

Maybe because I think having such a scene can only add pressure, and making one of the significant decisions in your life was not supposed to be a fruit of pressure—it should be sincere and well thought out.

But to each is their own. Iba naman ng sitwayson, maaring sigurado lang talaga sa isat-isa. At ang naging tugon ay bukal sa kanilang nararamdaman, that's why she said yes.

She said yes. 

THAT GOLDEN YES.

I sighed when a ripple of memories flooded my head.

I shook my head a bit and smiled bitterly at my agony. That scene is a deja vu that I refuse to think about thoroughly. After all, I am in a good position and having the time of my life. There's no use reliving past regrets just because I never had the same opportunity.

I'm good now. At the very least, I would say.

"Are you okay?" Shane looked at me worriedly as we reached our reserved seats.

Muli ko sanang iinumin ang baso ng alak sa lamesa ngunit pinigilan ako nito. She reached my hand and tried to grab the glass before it met my mouth.

"Hindi tubig ang alak!" she harshly took the glass away.

"You look pale, gusto mo bang umuwi na tayo?" tanong nito at mariing tinignan ang mga mata ko. Natawa naman ako sa akto nito, kaya lalo siyang naasar. Imbes na patulan ako ay pinalitan niya na lamang ng baso ng tubig ang hawak ng kamay.

Ininom ko ito at muling hinayaang maglayag ang isipan. Nabalik ako sa realidad ng muling tawagin ni Shane ang pangalan ko.

"Hindi ba, Lory?" nakangiting tanong nito.

Pinagmasdan ko ang lahat ng taong nakaupo sa lamesa at mukhang lahat sila ay naghihintay sa magiging sagot ko. I flashed a smile and turned back to ask Shane.

"Sabi ko you are currently working on the exhibit for your new collection," bulong nito at simpleng umirap.

"Ohh yes, medyo busy talaga dahil maraming papeles na kailangan ding ayusin," I said and flashed a smile again.

I mouthed thank you to Shane bago ko muling sinagot ang mga kasunod na tanong. Matapos mapunta sa akin ang usapan ay nagsimula na ulit sila ng panibagong pagkakaabalahan nang may dumating pang kabatchmates namin. Tumayo ako at nagpaalam upang pumunta sa powder room.

To be honest, wala namn talaga akong balak na pumunta roon. I am quite nervous at gusto ko lang magpahangin. Hindi ako sanay maging sentro ng usapan, and I actually find it very suffocating.

If Shane didn't insist, hindi sana ako aattend ng Reunion na 'to. Social gathering isn't my thing. But Shane really wants to come gusto niya raw ipamukha na sa mga kaklase, naming masama ang ugali na she's living a good life.

She's crazy at mabilis magtanim ng sama ng loob, but she is the only friend who stays with me when no one else does. People may say crazy things about her, but she is my own kind of crazy. And we always had each other's back.

I was about to open the glass door when someone did it for me as he entered the restaurant. Napaatras ako dahil muntikan na akong bumangga. I was about to say something, but mabilis kong nilunok ang nabuong salita ng makita ko kung sino iyon.

I knew that this day would come to me, but I didn't expect that this was the day. Shane told me that he wouldn't attend this reunion. One of the reasons why I agree to join her here.

I looked away before our eyes met.

People used to say we only regret the chances we didn't take. But I never knew that it was also cunning.

That the regrets I tried to send away will be able to find me again and start to haunt all of the what-ifs that I buried a long time ago.

Bago pa man siya magkapagsalita at mabilis kong hinila ang ang mga paa palabas.

I flew away and escaped, just like I did before.

I still choose to run instead of confronting tight situations.

Katulad pa rin ng dati.

I guessed I never really changed.