Hello loves, I am so so so sorry I haven't been really updating, but my life is shit, and I feel like if I don't get this off my chest I'll die. I promise I'll updating tomorrow with an actual chapter.
⚠️TRIGGER WARNINGS⚠️: suicid@l thoughts/ self h@rm/emotional abuse/ bullying/ mental illness
I don't really know how to start this or what to say. I want to cry so badly I'm fucking sick of this. I'm tired of this, I can't live like this. I want my family to be happy and love me. My main problems stem from my mother and my sister. Everything hurts now. I just want to feel normal again. I know there is something wrong with me I'm not ok. My mom and sister argue almost everyday and I always get stuck in the middle of it. My sister is the fucking devil.
I feel this way because of her and my mom.
My sister is so fucking mean to me. I don't understand why. She constantly invalidates me and my feelings. It happens every single fucking day. She always makes things about her and gets mad whenever something doesn't go her way or you upset her slightly. My mom got her a therapist but nothing fucking changes. Why won't things get better.
My sister constantly puts me down and berates me. I constantly hear "You're ugly " "Why do you have to be so stupid" "You're the family disappointment " "This is why no one like you" "I'm obviously the favorite because you suck" "You're really useless " "Can't you be useful for once" "You look fat" etc.
On top of that, when she gets mad she hits me too, most of the time for no reason. The littlest things I do make her upset and she hits me or throws something at me. I've had multiple injuries from her and my mom barely tells her anything, and my sister will get upset if I tell my mom and call me a crybaby. She calls me that a lot, and I have a hard time expressing myself because of it. My sister throws her shoes at me, chases me around the house, punches me, kicks me, scratches me, etc. She has been doing this since we were little kids, and I don't know what I did to make her hate me so much.
She never validates or values my emotions or thought. She even posts about me on her Tumblr sometimes and her wattpad (which she blocked me on once I found out) and always makes up stuff about me. She makes me out to be the bad guy. She also talks about how she was bullied as a child (which I know for a fact is not true, as I was not mean to her but rather the other way around, and I was also always by her side so there's no way I would not have known).
My mom always takes her side on everything too and I'm fucking sick of it, and she also invalidates me. She puts a lot of pressure on me and gets upset at me for little things as well, though she doesn't express in the ways my sister does. She makes me feel like shit and like I am never good enough. I don't know how to say it. I know my whole family likes my sister better and I don't know why. What did I do to make them hate me so much.
My sister also loves to complain about how many friends I have (which I don't actually) and how she only has 2. I understand how that could hurt but the 2 friends she does have are very loyal and nice. She's never experienced the pain of losing a friend or having them stab her in the back like I have. I would rather only have 2 loyal friends then multiple friends who aren't loyal.
Also I know for a fact that her and her friends talk shit about me. I have seen it before and even have taken screenshots. She constantly bitches to them about me and they completely agree, I don't know what to do.
I have thought about this for a significant amount of time, but I still don't know what to do. I often have thoughts about killing myself. I want to just overdose and die. I tried once but it didn't work and i was too much of a fucking coward to do it. My mom also found put I self harm which scared me to death. I know she's rude and will make me feel like shit about it and make it all about her. My friend also found out and tried to roll up my sleeves to see the cuts even after I told him I was uncomfortable and to stop, which he did after I pulled away. I can't help but want to cut. Need too actually. I hate that it's come to this but this is the only thing I can do.
My life has always been kind of shitty but idk what to do about it. Maybe I'm just being a dramatic bitch.
Sorry for the long post. I'll update for real tomorrow. Again, sorry.
