B O R E D O M

abandonment

I used to be afraid of people leaving me. I'd do anything to make them stay, to make they like me enough to not leave. Changing myself just for them was a daily task. For each individual I'd be a different character. One of the many in their story.

Now, however, I don't give a fuck who leaves. You don't want to be in my life then fine, be gone. I don't need you here.

I used to think that without them, I wouldn't survive. Like they were my air keeping me alive with each breath I took.

I guess you could say I feared abandonment. I still do sometimes. I have to be perfection in order for them to stay which means not being my true self.

The real me is chaos; a violent storm disguised as a happy, warm day. A smile is only an upside down frown: the perfect disguise. Darkness corrupts me from the inside out, no lightness to be found. When the mask comes on and I look at myself, I no longer recognise the girl looking back at me. My heart shatters at the fact no one seems to ever love the real me. The raw, hard truth that is me.

However, I'd much rather someone leave than fall victim to their deceit. I'd rather be myself than fall to the consequences to satisfying others.

I will no longer subside to the fear that is abandonment.