Retrospective ~TW~

Chapter 2

"Amelia, it's Toto. She's gone. Susie's gone."

"What do you mean she is gone Toto? Where is she?" I sit up a little straighter in bed, unsure of why Toto would be calling me on Susie's phone this late. His words weren't making a lot of sense to me. I could hear a very faint sound, almost a whimper followed by a sharp intake of air. I furrow my brows and lean forward.

"I found her in the bathroom. She was cold. So fucking cold. I don't know what to do." The words left me with a sinking feeling. I couldn't wrap my head around them. I let out a soft cry. My chest shook while my heart ached. It was breaking into a million pieces all over again.

"Fucking hell. Is she still there?" I could hear some shuffling. Another soft sound through the phone indicated that Toto was crying softly with me. I looked at the ceiling, before I jumped up and walked towards my closet. I changed into a pair of loose jeans and a long sleeve top. I grabbed my overnight bag and packed a couple of spare pairs of clothes.

"No they took her. They took her in a body bag. She's dead. What do I do?" His voice was soft, almost as if it hurt him to talk. The idea of my best friend being in a body bag slammed into me and I sobbed aloud. Through my tears, I walked to the bathroom and grabbed some things, not knowing what the situation was going to present.

"I am on my way. Where is Jack?" I zipped my bag up and sped back to my bed. I sat down and slipped my shoes on. I need to look after them, I need to protect them.

Toto's voice was a whisper, I could barely hear him through the speaker. "He is in bed." The words almost calmed me, I was glad that Jack was asleep and oblivious to what was occurring in his house. I couldn't imagine losing my mum at all, let alone at his age. But in a way, Susie was like my mum. She looked after me, protected me and loved me.

"Fucking hell Toto. I don't know what we are going to do. But I will be there soon ok? I'll be there with you soon." I walked out my door and raced down to my car. "Do you want me to stay on the line with you?" He hummed a yes as I unlocked my quickly and jumped into my seat.

I made my way to the Wolff house for the second time today. This time it wasn't a joyous ride, my mind was racing and I felt like a part of me was missing. I could hear Toto through the other line. My tears where flowing, I wiped them away to clear my face as I drove, my car not going fast enough towards my destination.

I arrived and noticed the front door was wide open, a couple of police cars parked out front as the cops made their way in and out. I got out and grabbed my bag, a cop looked at me and asked who I was. "I am here for Toto and Jack, I am a family friend. He needs me right now." The cop let me in. I walked up the stairs and down the hallway towards their room. I walked in and saw Toto sitting at the end of the bed, his head in his hands, phone still pressed against his ear.

I hung up my phone and watched as the phone slipped from his hand, his head tilting to look at me. The devastation etched across his face broke all the remaining intact pieces of my heart. He cried fully this time, his head slipping back down. I walked up to him and sunk down next to him on the floor, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

We wept on the floor for what felt like forever. I couldn't believe we had lost Susie. I looked at Toto, his tears having stopped as he just looked at the floor. "What happened to her?" My voice broke as I spoke. His hands encompassed mine. He looked at me quickly before looking ahead at the door.

"She took some pills." I fell apart, bawling at the thought of Susie feeling there was no other way out than the path she took. I never could have guessed that she had any sort of problems or thoughts. She always tried to ensure that everyone around her was happy and content. She always lit up the room. But she wasn't happy. It was all a facade. "I need to get up. I am too old for the floor to be comfortable."

He lifted me up with him and moved us onto the bed. Something felt so incredibly wrong about lying in their bed next to her husband. The bed she had been lying in right before her death. At the same time, I felt so incredibly close to her in this spot, lying on her pillow. I looked at Toto who was facing away from me lying on his side.

I moved to wrap my arms around him, holding him as we both cried. No words were spoken between us, but the presence of the other was enough to bring some level of peace to us both. No words needed to be spoken. We knew we were forever going to be bonded by Susie, nothing was going to change that.

I couldn't sleep, and I knew at some point Toto had drifted off, exhaustion enslaving him. I couldn't lay there anymore so I got up and looked around, taking in her things that laid scattered around. The police had long left. The door on my right was the bathroom, where she was. I wasn't ready to enter there yet. Not ready to see where she had spent her last moments. I had been in there a thousand times before, but now it felt so foreign.

I walked out of the bedroom, and looked at the room at the opposite end of the hallway. Jack's room. I walked towards it and opened the door. I looked in and saw him stir. I slipped in towards his bed, looking down at the young boy who was awake and looking back at me. "Mimi, what is happening?" My blood ran cold at the innocent yet loaded question. Jack had no idea that his mum had gone, and I didn't want to be the one to tell him.

"Lets just go back to sleep Jacky. Scooch over a tad." He shuffled over and I slid into the small bed next to him. I pulled him tight into my side and he snuggled in. I kissed his forehead. "Everything is going to be ok buddy, I promise." A tear slipped out my eye but I dare not make a sound. He hummed and drifted off.

It wasn't long before I could feel the heaviness of my eyes and couldn't help but shut my eyes. Before I knew it I had drifted off into a peace-less slumber. I had dreamt of Susie. I saw her beautiful smiling face. She looked at peace.