Retrospective ~TW~

Chapter 3

Everything was white. But everything felt black. The whole world felt black, the white of the scenery feeling like a mockery to the emotions that coursed through me. Her off-white coffin had been covered by the most exquisite bouquet of white roses and lilies.

My black dress was a stark contrast. Jack was stood beside me, wanting to say a private goodbye to his mum before the crowds arrived, set to celebrate the life of Susie. He wore a pair of dress pants and white button up top. Toto was a few steps in front of us, leading the way down the aisle of the large venue to where she rested.

Since the night of her finding, he had been very strong. He explained to Jack the best way he could that Susie wasn't with us anymore, and that she wouldn't be coming back. He had his moments where he was clearly lost in thought, but in front of Jack and I, he was holding it together.

We reached her coffin, Toto turning to lift Jack up. I turned around and let them have their moment with Susie. I made my way back up the aisle and rested against the window, watching from afar.

"I am so sorry for your loss Amelia." The voice shook me out of my stare and I turned to see Lewis Hamilton approaching me. "She was an incredible lady. She touched many lives as I am sure you know." I nodded and looked down at my hands, the bracelet she had given me for my recent 29th birthday spinning on my wrist. "How is Toto holding up?"

"She certainly was incredible. Honestly, I am unsure. He seems ok when he is in front of Jack and I. He has just been really quiet. I am not really sure how to approach him but I just hope that he has someone he can talk to." Lewis nods and I put my arm on his shoulder. "I am sure he will appreciate you being here."

Toto turns at this point and smiles at Lewis. Jack was crying and I immediately started walking towards them. I offer Toto a smile as he looks at me. Guests had started to arrive so I thought I should take Jack and let Toto go and greet as people arrived. As I approached, he pulled me in for a hug. "This is so much harder than I thought it would be. Thank you for being here."

"Of course I would be here Toto, she was my best friend." I gave him a gentle grin, which he returned. "It is so fucking hard. We shouldn't have to be doing this. Some guests are arriving though, so let me take Jack. You can go and do what ever it is that you need to do and I will look after him. We will be here."

He hands me Jack and grabs my free hand. "Thank you, I would be so lost without you right now." I nod and turn to Jack whose tears had began to dry up a little. I watched Toto walk away towards a group of people had gathered. I looked for our seats and sat down with Jack.

"Mimi. How did mama go?" I didn't expect the question and I immediately froze. I wasn't completely sure how Toto had told Jack about his mums passing and I certainly wasn't sure how to answer this. So I winged it.

"Your mum was sick. She got really really sick the other day and the doctors couldn't save your mama so she died. But she will always live right here." I pointed at his heart. "She will always love you, and she will always live in your heart." The answer seemed to satisfy his question and he rested his head against my chest.

"Are you going to go and say goodbye to mama like papa and I did. I can sit here." He looked up at me, and for a second he looked so much more mature than the 3 year old he was. He played with his hands gently and I looked ahead at her coffin.

"I think I am ok Jack. I have a speech I need to read out for your mama. Is there anything you want me to say for you?"

I hold him closer and sway us a little , doing my best to try and ease the pain. He nods slightly against my chest, if I wasn't paying attention I would have missed it. "Just that I love her lots and lots." I promised him I would say that. Suddenly the music started and the funeral began. People took their seats and we all mourned the loss of our friend. I listened to the prayers read out by the director and before long I was summoned to talk.

I was nervous walking up, I had never done such a thing, and I was only hoping that I would be able to hold it together. I got up to the microphone and looked down at all the people who had gathered today. I took a deep breath before looking down at Toto, who gave me a small nod, all the encouragement I needed to start.

"On behalf of the Wolff family, I want to pass on my sincerest thanks for coming down to celebrate the loss of someone as special as Susie. It means a lot to the family. Susie Wolff was the most courageous and loving person I had ever had the pleasure of meeting. She lit up the room as soon as she entered and had everyone laughing within minutes. She always strived to ensure everyone was having the best time possible. She was the peacekeeper. She was a beacon of hope and love, and everyone who came close enough felt her.

"I met Susie in Monaco while I was travelling. I was lost and had no plan for the future. I had recently lost my partner and was attempting to escape the pain by completely ignoring it. She made me realise the evasion I was doing and helped me in facing my problems. Susie stood there through all my moments of grief and unrelenting pain with a comforting smile and a hug whenever needed. Thats just who she was as a person. A kind, loving and brave being who had everyones needs before her own.

"I know she loved her two boys, her husband Toto and her son, Jack. She would have done everything in her power to spare them of this feeling. I know that for sure. And I know that things seem very dull right now, but she would hate to see us all crying. She would be up here trying to make us laugh with a really bad joke or funny expression. No one can ever replace you Susie. I wish I could have helped.

"I wish you could be here to watch your son grow up, and live out the rest of your days. Nevertheless I hope you are standing somewhere with a glass of champagne and a platter of cheeses with Niki. I will miss you forever and I will love you for longer. Rest in peace. I hope you have found your comfort." I look down at Jack and Toto. "Jack also wanted me to say that he loves you." Cries could be heard through the chapel and I wipe my eyes as we walk back down.

The rest of the service went by in a flash and before I know it, people are standing to carry her coffin out. Toto hands me Jack so he can help carry and I stand and take him. I set him down onto his feet and lead him down the hallway. People offer us small smiles, some muttering their condolences.

We went out to Silverstone for the repast, where the Venturi cars did burnouts on the track in honour of her. It was bittersweet. It wasn't long before Jack was getting a little tired. I offered to take him back for Toto but he insisted that he had enough for the day and was joining us. I too was feeling the effects of the really emotional day and was ready for a glass of wine and to go to bed.

The car was silent at the start. Jack fell asleep quickly. I looked at Toto, who was focusing on the road. "What are your plans for the upcoming season?" The question caused him to look at me quickly. I didn't want to push him right now, but I was wanting to know where he stood with his work commitments.

"I would love to go with the team racing, but with Jack on my own, it would be incredibly hard. I am not too sure right now." His brows were furrowed and his accent was deeper than usual. He focused on the road ahead and continued to drive as smoothly as before.

"If it's any consolation, I can always come along and help you out with Jack. You know I love him a lot and I know you will need a hand, especially how he is now. And you aren't too bad to be around yourself you know. When you aren't picking on me that is." I smirked at him and he smiled genuinely, a rare sight these last few days.

"Very kind offer of you little one." I rolled my eyes and turned my head towards the window. "I would be blessed to have you come along. I know you love F1 and to travel so I am sure you could have a good look around. So long as it's ok with you of course. You could leave whenever, like when Jack and I bug you too much."

"Oh I am sure that I will take you up on that at some point." I giggled as I looked out the window. It had been a long day and I was ready for bed. There was over 2 months until the season began and I knew I was getting myself into a lot, but I felt that I wouldn't regret it.

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