Dysfunctional Magical Bastards

NOTES: I wrote Howl, Michael and Martha. Vince wrote Sophie, Calcifer and Dave.
The first line is a reference to the game 'Episode' (more specifically, we saw it on the last part of Kurtis Conner's Episode series - he said to "send it to your crush" - and I wrote it to her, but as if I was Howl, and that's how this started)
The Frech/croissant thing is a bit of a longer story. So, in Heartstopper, Charlie kinda really liked it when Nick spoke in French, so we joked that he has a French kink. My name is Charlie, and I eat croissants twice a week, so... that's where it came from (sorry, I swear we're not trying to be prejudicial).
The format is kinda weird (because it was a paper talk), but I hope it isn't disdracting
I apologise for whatever this is and hope you can find it intertaining.

Howl - I'd swim in this toxic swamp for you any time ;)

Sophie - And I'll cut your jacket any time you insinuate becoming a stinky punk ass bastard <3

Howl - You wound me, Sophie. You know how hard it would be for me to enter a toxic swamp.

I'm saying I'd do that for you, and this is how you treat me?

Sophie - Yes, deal with it.

Howl - How can you do this to me, my dear? Things go on like this, and the next thing you know, I'm dead. I've been mistreated for far too long, and death is my only destiny if things keep on this way.

Sophie - Anything more to say, Drama Queen?

Howl - What will be of Morgan when I'm gone? He will no longer have a father. If you don't take pity on me, woman, at least do it for our child

Sophie - Jesus help me... Anyway, there's a razor trying to talk to you

Dave - Sup

Howl - Oh no, I gotta go

Dave - Wait for MEEEE

Howl - SOPHIE, WHY DID YOU EVEN LET IT IN HERE?? You too, Calcifer! Anyway, get rid of him until I'm back :) *leaves*

Sophie - WHAT ABOUT MORGAN'S DIAPER, YOU DUMBASS?!!

Michael - *coming downstairs* What is going on here?

Martha - *coming after him* I ask the same thing. What the fuck is going on here?

Sophie - Nothing, just Howl... Martha! What are you doing here?

Michael - Oh

Martha - Uhm, I was just... passing by, yeah. So I decided to come visit.

Michael - Yeah, she was definitely not in my room... Wait. Is this a magic razor?

Sophie - *raising her eyebrows* You decided to 'not' visit your boyfriend's room that just happens to exist in a moving castle, interesting.

Dave - Magic razor your ass, I'm Dave

Michael - Uh... Alright, then. Dave. What are you, exactly?

Dave - None of your business. I'm here to make Howl bald

Sophie - Please, don't. He's already too annoying with hair... Don't wanna know how(l) he is without it

Michael - Yeah, please don't. I bet he'll fill the house with green slime again. And probably only to do something worse later...

Dave - I don't care =)

Calcifer - People, stop talking to him... He's french

Martha and Michael - What's a "french"?

Martha - You don't know either? I thought it was magic stuff

Michael - It's not. At least, I haven't heard of it.