Mainu Heer Naa Aakho Koyi

IV // Taste of Freedom

[ramzaan aaya roza rakho ji,]

"Yeh kar kyaa rahe ho? Tum ne mujhe koyi object samjha huaa hai? Joh chaaho ge bas hota jaae ga, meri koyi marzi nahin hai?" I'm getting so annoyed, I'm going to cry.

(What are you doing? Do you think I'm an object? Will whatever you want happen, do I have no will?)

I try to take the ring off but he tied my hands so tightly I can't do anything but fist them.

The weather gets better and my brown organza dupatta blows on my face, covering it from the light morning heat.

Pataa nahin kahaan le ke jaa rahaa hai, yaar.
(God knows where he's taking me.)

I rest my head back.

oho, kyaa pataa jaaein ge kahaan?

khule hain joh par
kahe yeh nazar
lagta hai abbh hain jaage hum

fiqrein joh theen,
pichhe reh gayi,
nikle unnh se aage hum.

hawaaon mein beh rahi hai zindagi,
yeh hum se keh rahi hai zindagi,
ohoo, abbh toh, joh bhi ho so ho

I scream in excitement and take the dupatta off my face.

He looks at me and my smile vanishes.

"Dekha? Iss liye love at first sight pe yaqeen nahin karna chaahiye. Paagal nikli main toh? Tumhain kyaa farq pare ga waise, tumhaara apna dimaaghi-tawaazun kaun sa bohot ttheek hai."

(See? That's why one should never believe in love at first sight. What if I turn out crazy? Why would you care though, as if you yourself were mentally stable.)

This is so alleviating.

I think all I needed to get over Subhan was a small road trip.

"Hunza, mujhe mujhe—"

(Hunza, I I—)

Alaya he's not the key to the lock on your dreams. He's not going to take you anywhere.

Do you realise what you're thinking? Baba doesn't even know, no one in the house knows where you are.

Nano heard it last evening but they're all going to be worried. What if they tell baba everything...

Then what? He's khudanaakhaasta going to get a heart attack?

"I love this so—"

It's so awful that I'm so tied up back home. This is my first moment of freedom.

This.

With this man.

I can't even contemplate marrying him. My morals are my everything. But me liking this moment is making me hate myself.

"You love what?" He asks.

I look at him.

I've never in my life used English to speak to someone.

Never.

I don't know what this is but all I can do in this moment is breathe.

Something I've not done in so long.

Calm steady long breaths of early morning.

This man has no humanity, he's thinking of me as an object.

Haider wants to use you.

But what is life?

What are these road trips?