A Life Foretold

Chapter 12: From Scavenging Debris

 3250 words.

Love seemed like the most beautiful thing on this planet. I recognized the concept as a small child, running through a wondrous field of velvety bluebonnets. Dark indigoes and blues and purples were captivating under the sun. I thought, there's nothing prettier than this, as I sunk my face into the grass, laughing as the greenery tickled my nostrils.

Happiness. I loved it, and I wanted to keep it forever as mine.

I perked upon hearing others' laughter chime in the wind. Searching the perimeter, I noticed two humans walking together hand in hand. The female, with a white summer dress draping from her shoulders squealed as she led the male down the ethereal field. Their expressions were unfathomable, something I didn't comprehend but somehow understood was natural; I knew that's how faces were supposed to look. The boy looked at the girl like her being in itself was the best gift in the world.

"Love," I whispered.

I wanted their type of love. This flower field was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, but I just knew it was nothing compared to what they saw. A boiling, enraging jealousy arose. For it to be shared with someone who loves me for everything I do, even when I mess up. I locked my fingers together and held them tightly in contemplation. What must I do to obtain that?

Suddenly, it all made sense. Love was mutual, so if I loved them and gave them the world, they would do the same for me, right? Giving love is easy, I thought to myself.

I picked one of the flowers by the stem, twisting it and hugging it tightly to my chest, but when I looked at it again, I noticed that I bent the petals, tainted them. A frown formed on my face.

I dropped it and stared at my hands.

Laughter still rang, and I watched.

I thought he was my soulmate. There's nobody better than you.

During the dizzy days of summer camp, I'd observe as kids huddled around Gon with similar faces that I saw that boy have. The face that meant Gon could do anything, laugh, eat, sleep, and they'd still want to stay around him. I was no different, but what interested me was not the incomprehension of what he wielded that was so difficult for me to mimic, it was that despite all of that, I recognized something of his demeanor. I related to something buried deep in a hollow masked with brambles and vines of charisma and jocundity.

As we grew closer and shared night after night by the piano. I recognized the undercurrent of loneliness in his gaze, brought forth and presented amidst nightfall when no one was watching.

Loneliness. Is that what friendship is meant for? To eradicate loneliness? I identified friendship as a pact to help each other out when one was feeling lonely. Warmth rushed to my cheeks at the idea of such a thing, a smile even twitching the corners of my mouth.

I understood my duty immediately. During the day, Gon had all of the other campers, and during the night I would cling to his side as a bodyguard, searching to shoo away any semblance of loneliness and area of self-loathing. He was that bodyguard to me, so it only made sense I make it mutual and give him everything in return. Because he was my everything.

As I would saunter close behind him when we called it a night after an adventure of some sort, it dawned on me if anything I tried to give was even good enough. If I opened up everything about me, would he want the darkness, as well?

No, no one wants a broken child.

Often, I think about the night Gon ran to my house. It made me so happy, being touched so tenderly yet messily— illustrating that he was exposing himself just as much, just as delicate and confused and hopeful and terrified. Both of us undressed as curious hands experimented with the feel of each other, the temperature of skin, the scars screaming how much the past has affected the present. A kiss on the neck, warm, soft. A deeper kiss on the mouth, passionate and yearning. Fingers trailed down to a destination both of us were too scared to venture across. There was still not enough trust, in not each other but ourselves, to continue on that journey. I wanted more of this type of love. I wanted to give back, as well. Prove, that despite time and time again of my love being valueless, that I was prepared to do anything in my capability to make it of value to Gon.