More Than It Hurts You {Iromatsu}

Untitled Part 5

The walk to the hospital was mostly quiet, neither I nor Osomatsu knowing what to say. Once we got there, he explained the situation so that I wouldn't have to. We were asked to wait in the waiting room until we were called back; luckily it wasn't a long wait, only about half an hour.

Walking hurt, quite frankly, so I was glad when they took me to the room in a wheelchair.

"I can come too, right?" Osomatsu asked, following along.

"If he's okay with it. Karamatsu-san?"

"That's fine," I grunted. I wasn't looking forward to the inevitable conversation, but having my big brother with me was comforting.

I was wheeled into a room that smelled like antiseptic. Clean, but in a numb way. Clinical, indifferent. The nurse assured us that the wait wouldn't be too long, and left Osomatsu and me to ourselves.

"So," Osomatsu said after a moment of uncomfortable silence. "Uh, congrats on finding your soulmate?" He was probably trying to lighten the mood.

I looked at him with a glare. He smiled at me awkwardly and shrugged, causing me to roll my eyes and look away.

"Yeah, I feel so lucky."

"I mean, it's a little weird, what with you being brothers and all, but I mean, you can't really help it. Whatever people might say-"

"That's not the problem!" I hadn't raised my voice so many times in a single day in my life. But I was just so... urgh!

"What do you mean? What is the problem, then?" Osomatsu seemed confused, which pissed me off.

"Yeah, we're brothers. That's not supposed to happen, but it did. Nothing can be done about it, and I accept that. Love is love, as they say. That's not an issue for me." I tried to stay calm while I explained. "The fucking problem is that it's Ichimatsu specifically."

"Why? You're usually so nice to him, do you secretly hate him or something? Unless- oh... It's how he treats you, isn't it? How he treats you like total shit?"

"It's more than that," I sighed. "It's... he treats me like shit because I'm his soulmate. I have no idea how he really feels about me now. I used to think he hated me for no reason, but now... It should be impossible to hate your own soulmate. If he doesn't hate me, how does he really feel? Would he still abuse me if we were normal soulmates and not brothers? And how do I feel about him?" The words flowed like water from a faucet.

"How do you feel about him? Do you hate him now that you know, or is that still impossible?" Osomatsu wasn't usually so serious. Whether he was asking out of curiosity or he wanted to help me, I wasn't sure.

"I don't hate him. I could never hate him. I love him. But I've always just thought it was familial love, though."

"And now?" He prompted me to answer.

"Now? I mean... I'm angry at him, but even so, I can't say my feelings have changed So, I suppose... I must've loved him as more than that this whole time. Now that I think about it, ever since middle school, I've felt the same way towards all of you, except him. I always just thought he was different because I was also scared of him." My thoughts were difficult to put in order in my head, much less words from my mouth.

"You're scared of him?" He asked.

"How could I not be? You've seen how he treats me, how he's treated me for years." I took a moment to think back on all of the times he'd hurt me, physically or otherwise.

"Hmm... Well, consider this," Osomatsu said before I could continue. "Maybe he's just been like that so you wouldn't find out about the two of you. I mean, most people would probably be disgusted. He probably didn't want you looking at him in disgust. Considering he went to look for you when you were getting hurt, he was clearly worried about you, so I don't think he actually hates you or anything."

"Even so, my point stands. What if he never stops abusing me? How can I trust him after everything?"

"Hmm." Osomatsu took some time to consider. "Start slow. He's gotta earn your trust."

"And what if he doesn't want to? He clearly doesn't want me to be his soulmate. Why else would he go so far?" I was getting tired of talking about this.

"You left before you two could really talk. When we get home, you two should sit down and talk it out." Osomatsu put a hand on my shoulder. "Want Onii-chan to be there and help keep things under control?"

"...that could help," I agreed. "But what if he doesn't want to talk?"

"Then we're gonna have to make him want to. I'm sure the others are working on that as we speak."

A knock at the door cut the conversation short. The next couple of hours went as usual when I'd go to the hospital for broken bones. X-rays, the typical 'are you safe at home' questions, etc. They prescribed me some pain meds, gave me an ice pack, and said to take it easy for a few weeks.

The walk back home was easier, due to the pain meds, but it was equally as silent. I spent the way there thinking.

I could never hate Ichimatsu. Even after what he'd put me through. So it stands to reason that he doesn't hate me either. So why did he always say and act like he did? I wanted to understand. Approaching the house, I decided. I had to find out.