why is everything so difficult

Chapter 3

A couple weeks have passed, all my new teacher have got the hint, I'm really fucking shy. I don't really do anything in lesson's, I have honestly just given up on it. There's really no point if I'm being honest, I'll NEVER be as smart as Ren and our mother will NEVER be as proud of me as she is of him so why even try anymore?

A couple of my teachers have encouraged me to try, like Snipe. He's my science teacher too. He's actually a really good teacher but I just don't really see the point in trying. There's a teacher called Miss Midnight -she's my geography teacher- I occasionally do the do now in her lesson and if I feel like it, the quick quiz. I don't know why I try in her lesson, maybe it's because I'm naturally good at geography.

I wish I had enough motivation to try, maybe then I could be as good as Ren? But still, mother would never be as proud. After all I am just the mistake who was only kept because I turned out to be a girl, and I couldn't even get that right. God I hate myself. I wish I was more like Ren: smart, handsome, kind, likeable, sociable and most importantly, a cis-boy. God it's not fair; I resent him so much.

I have three teachers I kind of like: Snipe, my science/form teacher, Ectoplasm, my English teacher and Midnight, my geography teacher. They're all really kind, they don't force me to talk and they understand that I can't really talk. I'm really grateful for them, I do wish I could speak to them but my social anxiety has just gotten worse. I can't even stutter a damn sentence out well enough for anyone to understand me or even really hear me.

My sleeping has gotten worse too, my aunties illness has gotten worse and I'm so scared for her. She assures me that she'll be okay in the end but the chemotherapy hasn't been working so she needs to go on an even stronger one. But what if that doesn't work either? What if she does die and she does leave me here all alone? I don't know if I can live without her..

With my aunties chemotherapy she needs to stay in hospital for a week while she has it. So that means my cousin is going to stay with me. I've tried to assure my auntie that I'll be fine without a babysitter but she's paranoid about my asthma.

"Natsu I know you're 15 but what if you have an attack? I know you have your inhalers but what if it's especially bad? Then what'll you do? That's why your cousin is coming to stay with you"

I couldn't exactly argue with her, I mean I suppose she was right and I was kind of excited about seeing Hana again. It's been a long time since my mother and wine never really got along despite them being twins.

"Hana will be here in the morning and i'm going to hospital in two days. I promise you I'll be okay and your father said he'd start coming round here more often to see you and pay for the shopping and stuff"

"Alright Yuna, thanks"

"No problem Natsu. I think you should be off to bed. I know it's a Friday but you want to be up bright and early to see your cousin, right?"

"Yeah you're right, night."

"Night Natsu"

I go to my room but I don't go to sleep. Well really I can't go to sleep; the worry about my aunt is making me sick. I can't help but feel like something bad is going to happen to her. And if something does happen then... then what will I do? Will I have to go back to that house? With that woman? And that man? They're supposed to be my family but it sure doesn't feel like it. No wonder Ren moved to Australia. I would have done the same if I could. And with his quirk, he's super smart so he has an amazing job. All I'm good enough for is being a villain. It's not fair, how come HE gets EVERYTHING and I get NOTHING. I immediately burst into tears.

My entire fucking life I've been compared to him, and shamed because I'm not like him. Unlike him I have to READ the fucking book to understand it. He just has to touch it. I have to WORK to get good grades. He just had to touch the sheet. I had to work so fucking HARD to even begin to live up to the standards our mother has for me because of HIM. It's not fair. He was given EVERYTHING. I hate him. Not just for that. I hate him because he bullied me for 11 years. And NOBODY did ANYTHING.