I've never sat down and thought about who I am as a person. What I want in life. Who I want in life. I've never thought I'd feel this way about a girl, let alone almost sleep with her on the night we met. Before that day, I was with my boyfriend and had no intention on sleeping with a woman. But is this the grief talking? Is this a so called "phase". I don't want to be in love with a girl. But maybe I am falling? I look over to her whilst sitting outside of 'Donut!Bakery and Coffee', which is basically just 7/11 but without the gas station. It's quiet. She's quiet. Her long dirty blonde hair up in a perfect yet messy ponytail. Her side profile... it's just... perfect. No. Get a grip Kate. She's not like that. She just lost her husband for fucks sake.
"I hate it when people use the words condolences" she blurts out. I nod in agreement.
"I hate when people post 'sorry for your loss' on their socials, just to make themselves feel better by reaching out." I reply. She also nods in agreement putting her hand out defeating I made a god point. A long silence follows, I take another bite out of my donut. Leigh sighs. She goes to talk but hesitates. Then turns to look at me.
"I hate how in the beginning everyone wants to send you flowers and donate to like a foundation for your dead person, and they... stop calling and writing and doing nice things for you because they're over it and they expect you to be over it." She snarks.
"Ha yeah" I say in a loose tone.
"Yeah my uh, my boyfriend expects me to be over my brother but it's still so fresh. I just wish he'd understand." There's a pause.
"I'm sorry" I say to her, she laughs.
"Why are you sorry? No it's fine, this is much better than grief group. Like! They're all old people who's lovers or family members died of old age and they managed to spend their whole lives with them. And then they changed donuts because of stupid diets! Aha. That's the only reason why I went was for those things" she pauses before she bursts out in anger.
"But no, it's fine. Carry on" she finished in a calm but also comforting tone.
We stay silent for a few seconds. She finished up her jam filled donut, me still halfway through mine. She leans over to me.
"So, why are you still with him?" She questions me.
"He's all I've got." She looks puzzled.
"I fled from home away from my parents because we had an argument, my brother is dead and I cut off all my ex friends because of my stupid boyfriend and my current status of grief" I blurt out. I put my hands into my knees, I feel embarrassed now for putting that on a person who I barely know who already had enough problems of her own. She puts her hand on my shoulder.
"We'll now you have me Barlowe, and count yourself as lucky cause I don't like many people."
