Same Time Next Year

Chapter 14 - Year 3

I was riding home with Lee at the end of what I now was determined to think of as Comic Con weekend, although I knew in reality, I would probably always think of it as the beach house weekend.  Lee was in the middle of telling me a story about some character he and his friends had run into last night at the bar they went to after I had gone back to the hotel room to go to bed.  I was semi listening but mostly looking out the window and letting my mind wander.  I have done my best not to think about it but now that we're away from all the activity of the convention, my mind was finally on Noah. 

I couldn't help but wonder where he is this weekend.  I can't imagine he went to the beach house.  I tell myself I don't care if he did go or what he would have felt when I didn't show up.  I know that's not true, as much as I'd like to, I can't make my mind feel things differently than my heart.  I knew in my head I was still mad at the comment he made during our fight but I also knew that there was more to it than that.  It hadn't been a one sided fight.  I had known how frustrated Noah had been about our situation and I had been the one who was unwilling to even discuss our relationship even when we both knew things had become more serious between us.  I had been down this rabbit hole many times in the past few months but lucky for me, I'm pulled out of my head when Lee finally notices I haven't been paying attention to him.  "Elle . . . earth to Elle."

"Sorry, Lee, I guess you guys wore me out this weekend."  I glanced at Lee sheepishly as I made my excuse, immediately regretting that I hadn't been listening.  I had worked so hard to keep my true feelings from Lee this weekend, not wanting to get the questions from him that I knew would soon be coming.  I had avoided discussing my fight with Noah and the whole non-relationship and beach house weekend with Lee so far, I didn't want to start now. Yes, he's my best friend but that doesn't mean I necessarily want to talk to him about my relationship with his brother, that's always been a little weird for me.

"Is that really what it is? It's not like we got too wild and crazy or anything. You even bailed on us last night to go to bed early."  Out of the corner of my eye I could see the sideways glance he gave me.  Without seeing his face, I could guess his expression just by the tone of his voice.  I knew his eyes were raised and he was looking at me the same way he always did when I told him something he didn't quite believe but didn't want to push to hard.  He gave me it as kids when I had taken the last piece of Halloween candy we'd gotten together and told him there was none left. And he had been looking at me like that anytime he asked me about Noah these days.

I tried to blow him off, although I could tell where he was headed. "You know, just all the excitement of my first time at Comic Con."

Lee paused for a minute and I thought he had given up when he suddenly said, "You can talk to me, Elle.  Even about him."

"What are you talking about?" Trying one more time to deflect although I already knew it was a lost cause.

"Elle, please don't play dumb with me.  We've been friends for too long for this. You know exactly what I'm talking about."

I tried to think of what I even wanted to tell Lee about the whole mess with Noah.  I didn't want to tell him what Noah said to me about playing video games, I didn't want to be responsible for causing a rift between them when I knew their relationship was in a good place right now. I'm sure it would make him mad at Noah on my behalf and even with as upset as I am, it doesn't seem fair to put Lee in the middle of all that. Lee has spent enough time in the middle of our issues. I was also embarrassed to tell him that after everything I had been through with Noah, I was still scared to commit. No matter what Noah has told me since our break-up 3 years ago, every time I thought of committing to him, all I could think about was him telling me he would fight for us right before he broke my heart and told me that loving each other wasn't enough. How do you trust someone again after that? All of my thoughts of Noah were so fresh in my head since I had just been thinking about Noah and this weekend, I felt my eyes fill him with tears. I couldn't talk about this right now without breaking down and I didn't want to do that in front of Lee.  Not that I thought Lee would tell Noah anything I said but if I acted as upset as I feel right now, I could see Lee deciding to intervene and talk to Noah on my behalf. That was the last thing I wanted right now.