i want it all || B.E smut/ imagines

im sorry.

tw* (sh/suicidal thoughts) ❗️

y/n pov:
me and billie have been together for almost a year now. of course she knows about my depression but she thinks i'm better. i thought i was, so i didn't say anything about it. but recently i haven't been too well. i don't want to bring billie down with me, she's been so happy since tour started.

she loves her fans and loves being closer to them since covid ruined her tour. i don't want her to worry about me, she has her shows to worry about. right now she's on a break before second leg of tour starts. we've spent most of it together but i've been miserable.

i hate having to act like i'm happy around my own girlfriend. nothing feels worth living for anymore and i don't even want to be here. i do wanna spend as much time with my girlfriend as possible. i cant break her. i have to stay for her, but i can't even get out of bed most days.

"billie baby. im gonna go to the bedroom and take a nap." i lied. i just needed to let everything out. not around her though. i gave her a quick kiss on her forehead. "I LOVE YOU !" she yelled when i got into the room. i yelled back with a quick giggle. she always remembers to say she loves me anytime she gets.

as i lay there on our bed tears fill my eyes. i thought about billie and how she'll feel if i were to leave her. i cant hurt her but i don't wanna be alive anymore. i sit thinking about what to do and it does nothing but causes me to cry more.

i cant do this anymore. i go into our bathroom which is connected to our room. i have blades hidden in a bag under some towels. i take out the bag and take one of the blades into my hands.

with tears streaming down my face i start the first cut. i wince at the pain but eventually move on to the second, then the third. soon enough on my left arm 6 cuts sit. i begin to cry more.

'i let billie down' i thought to myself. i'm pulled out of my thoughts when i here billie coming towards the door talking to someone on the phone. "yea, lemme go ask her fin. she said she was takin a nap." she opens the door and sees the bed empty.

"baby?" she says. then she opens the bathroom door. 'shit, i thought i locked it' i thought. "fin. i'll call you back in a sec. love you, bye." she said as she rushed towards me. i couldn't help but sit there, i didn't know what to say or do. fuck. she wasn't supposed to know. i started to cry more.

"baby. it's okay. i'm right here, lemme clean these." billie said as she stared at my cuts. i don't think she knew when to say either. from what she knew i was perfectly fine.

i nodded my head in response, unable to form a sentence. she picked up the blade and dabbed up the blood with toilet paper. she grabbed our little first aid bag and cleaned my cuts then bandaged them.

"baby, what happened?" she asked as she pulled my hands into hers. "i'm sorry. i didn't wanna tell you and bring you down. you've been so happy since your started. i couldn't bring myself to tell you how i was truly doing." i somehow managed to get out between cries.

"y/n. you could always tell me how your feeling. im here to help as much as possible, i want to help you as much as i can baby. you don't have to worry." billie said. she brought me in for a hug then kissed my forehead, letting me cry into her chest.

after about 5 minutes she picked me up, being careful with my cuts and laid me gently onto our bed. "now baby. can you please talk to me. tell me how your feelin." she pulled the blankets onto us both.

"i don't wanna be here anymore billie. but i feel like i have to stay here for you. i cant leave you, this is our home, our bed. we're supposed to share all this. i cant leave u in our house alone, i wanna be sleeping next to you, showering with you and everything. but i'm just not well and i'm scared that my mental health will get to the point where i can't take it anymore." i cuddled into her more trying my hardest not to start crying again.

"i'm sorry baby. i understand how you feel. we're gonna get you back into therapy if you need it my love. i cant lose you. i've only wanted the best for you and i've wanted you to be happy. i love you y/n." billie began to cry which only causes me to cry as well. she barely cried in front of me because she tries to be strong for me.

"i love you more baby. always remember that." i say.

i feel so comfortable in her arms. so safe. i cant help that i feel like this but she's never looked at me any different for it. that's one of the reasons i love my baby billie.

"i'll clean everything up. you get some rest angel." she kissed my forehead and let me drift off to sleep.

(unchecked)
sorry for not posting. ngl i haven't been doing well mentally lately, this chapter helps me get some things out. love you all, i'll try to update more.