i want it all || B.E smut/ imagines

out of time.

before i get into this i wanna say thank you so much for 10k reads ! i appreciate you all so fucking much ! i will try my best to update as much as possible. enjoy loves 🫶🏼

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tw: suicide

y/n pov:
billie and i are on a small date right now that i planned for us last night. it was super random but i wanted to give billie everything, especially before i'm gone.

of course she knows about my mental health but from what she knows i'm just fine. sometimes she'll catch me in the bathroom crying or staring off thinking about things, she never brings it up though because i'll always respond the same way. a simple im okay baby, don't worry about me.

i'm pulled out of my thoughts when billie shows me her phone. "baby ! we should definitely get these pjs for christmas, we could match with shark too !" she says excitedly.

"of course my love, anything you want" i respond. i've been replying with a lot of yes's recently because of what i'm planning. i want my girl happy, i'll be glad to give her everything she'll remember of me.

it's sad knowing that she thinks i'm going to be around forever, when in reality it's getting pretty close to the day. it's about 3 days away and i don't have the courage to tell her how i really feel. i love this girl with everything in me, i wouldn't wanna become a burden in her life when she spent years being unhappy. she's finally in the place she deserves to be in.

i have all of my letters written, i've bought billie a gift i'm going to leave for her. i have it all planned, just how i want it.

we soon wrap up our date cause billie wanted to go home and cuddle with me and shark. one of her favorite things to do, im gonna miss it.

as we're in the car on the way back home i keep thinking about how many things i'm gonna miss out on and how much this will affect billie. i couldn't care less about my family and how they felt, they've treated me like shit for years. when i came out they kicked me out at only 15. that's when i moved in with billie.

her family was more of a family to me. i loved her mom and dad, adored their dog pepper and of course loved finneas and claudia. i wrote a letter for them all as well. telling them how much i loved them and thanked them for putting up with me through the years.

we pulled into the driveway and billie looked at me as i stared off.

"baby, you sure your okay ? you've been off this whole week" she asked worryingly.

"yes bil, i'm okay. no need to worry. now go on and get inside, i'll meet you" i let out a fake laugh trying to prove to her that i was fine. i don't think she believed it cause when i said that she refused to leave the car without me.

she came to my side of the car and attempted to pull me out. this was something she always did whenever i took to long to get out of the car, i mostly did it on purpose because i loved seeing her try to pull me out, she always ended up giving up anyway. i'm gonna miss if.

we made our way into the house, billie immediately runs and jumps on the couch and shark runs after her. i hear her cute little laugh as she plays with shark. she absolutely loved that dog.

i turn on a movie for us to watch and billie cuddles into my side with shark laying on top of her.

as im zoned out completely for i don't even know how long i hear soft snores come from billie and shark. it almost brings me to tears at the sight. this is probably one of the last times i'll see both of my babies like this.

i shake off my tears and give billie a kiss on the forehead and drift off to sleep.

throughout the next couple of days i really started preparing for my attempt. i started thinking about if i really wanted to do this and to be honest i do. yes, i wake up to the love of my life next to me every morning, we have our own cute lil family, i live in a great ass house, and i have a good ass job. yet i'm still unhappy, not even unhappy at this point, im just miserable.

it's gotten to a point where i see no point in life anymore. i have everything i wanted and more and yet i'm still this way. i cant fix it, i've tried so many things. therapy, medications, distractions, everything. this is just the only other option i have.

other than thinking about everything over those few days, i spent a night with billie and her family. we played games, we watched movies, and just overall had a good fucking time. for once in a long time i actually had a good time.

when it finally reached the day i woke up extra early and made billie her favorite breakfast. breakfast burritos, vegan of course. after i finished making them i woke her up and surprised her with them in bed. i've never seen her so excited over food before.

right then it hit me, this is the last few hours i get to spend with my baby. i didn't wanna cry in front of her and bring her mood down so i excused myself to the bathroom and completely broke down. i don't want to leave her but i also cannot stay here any longer, i don't wanna be me any longer.

i felt so selfish for what i was doing but maybe i was also doing everyone a favor.

after spending 10 ish minutes in the bathroom i splashed some water on my face and walked out. i sat back into the bed with billie and we continued to eat our breakfast and talk. she decided to tell me about her tour that was coming up and how she's so excited she gets to perform again. she's been planning this for so long and now it's finally happening again after 2 years of no shows.

it hurts knowing i won't be there to support her physically, but i sure will still support her even when i'm no longer alive.

after eating and talking we continue on with our daily shit but i make sure to be extra clingy. i want to give her all of my attention and love one last time.

after spending some time together and run a few errands me and billie decided to go to sleep early tonight because she wants to go shopping early as fuck tomorrow before it gets too busy.

she cuddled into me like she does every other night and hid her face in my neck.

"i love you billie, don't ever forget that okay my love ?" i whispered softly.

"how could i forget that. i love you more than anything y/n" she replied. i couldn't help but let a tear fall. this is gonna hurt so bad.

i hold billie close, closer than usual and let her drift off to sleep. i hadn't realized that an hour already went past, 1000 thoughts going through my head at once i must have completely lost track of time.

i slowly slide myself away from billie and admire her one last time. i gave her a kiss on the forehead and whispered 'im sorry baby' then got off the bed.

as soon as my feet touched the floor i sobbed. u ran to the bathroom, scared to wake up billie and cried.

i carried on with my plan, i had a few bottles of medicine hissed so i went to grab those out of the drawer. i open the bottle and put a handful of them in my hand and dumped them into my mouth, followed with some water. i repeated that until the bottle was empty. i grabbed the second bottle and continued the same thing, this time only getting halfway through the bottle before feeling my hands and feet starting to shake.

i almost immediately felt sick so i laid my head onto the cold tile floor and let it all happen. i eventually begin to lose consciousness, i began feeling dizzy and then everything went black.
i'm sorry my love.

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sorry this ones a bit rushed and sad asffff ! lmk if y'all like this and want a part 2 ! iloveyou all !