Hailee Steinfeld Oneshots

how you feel yourself (nb reader)

the first chapter in my oneshot book :)

this chapter might trigger some you guys so please skip this chapter if you feel triggered by the following things:

Body dysphoria, metions of selfharm, suicidal thoughts and Eating disorder...

Summary: Hailee noticed that something is wrong with Y/N and tries to figure out what's wrong with her Partner.

Y/N POV:

Hailee is sound asleep in our Bedroom while i'm standing in the Bathroom, infront of the Mirror, looking at myself, hating what i see.
I don't know for how long i've been struggleing with myself, what i want and who i want to be.

on some days, i'm wearing my croptops and my skinny jeans while on other days, i'm wearing hoodies from hailee and sweatpants to look more male.

i don't know where this come from but i know, i'm not just a girl. i don't know what i am, but clearly, not a 'normal' girl.

i'm crying because i don't know how to feel about myself.

i look at my scars on my arms, i look into the mirror again, seeing a person i don't know.

the body? to fat, the face? to female, the arms? full of scars, the thighs? to thick.

just every part of the person infront of me, is ugly. i just hate what i see. i don't even know why hailee is in a relationship with me. she could do so much better.

maybe i should just end it all. it's not worth it. all those suicidal thoughts are taking over. i just need to say goodbye to hailee before i do it. she needs to know that i love her. because i never said those three words. they never came out of my mouth. i know she does not care about it, but i know how happy she would be if i would tell her that i love her.

she means everything to me and she is the only thing that kept me alive the last two years. we know each other for those two years now and we've been together for like 10 months now.

i really do love her, but i just can't stand the fact that i need to live with myself. because i hate me.

'i need to go on the balcony to get some air.' i thought to myself when i left the bathroom. I looked at the door and saw, it's late after midnight and i haven't slept yet. I mean, hailee and i both have a day off tomorrow but still i can't sleep because of all the thoughts.

Hailee's POV.

i woke up in the middle of the night and wanted to cuddle up to my girlfriend when i saw, she's not there. Her side of the bed was cold, so she's not in the bedroom for a longer time. i sat up when i heard the balcony door open and close again.
i took one of her hoodies and go outside to see her, on the balcony, in my hoodie, looking up at the stars. She always loved the space. So it's mesmerizing how happy she looks up in the sky to watch the stars.

i silently sat down next to her and when she felt a presence next to her she looked at me.

"hailee? what are you doing here?" she asked "i could asked you the same. you weren't in bed and i felt that your side was cold so i came and look where you are." i answered simply. and she laid her head on my shoulder. "everything okay Y/N?" i asked and she looked at me with fear in her eyes. "are you scared of something? do you have something to get off of your chest?" i asked and cupped her cheek with one hand.
"i- uh..." she struggled to speak but i let her

"it's dificult hailee... i don't know if you will see me the same after this..." she said and i got worried. "Y/N, i noticed that something is wrong. You can tell me everything, you know that." i said just to make sure she feels safe to tell me whats wrong. "i just, uhm. i don't know where to start. it's hard to explain hailee..." she said.

she never calls me by my name, just if it's something serious. i'm really scared right now.

"take your time baby. everything's fine" i said and put my arm around her shoulders. she looked up at the sky and took a deep breath.

"this could be a very long speech now. i hope you don't mind but i was thinking about something for a while now. and no i'm not breaking up with you if you think that. i would never." she said and laught a bit.

Y/N's POV

"i need to tell you a few things and i don't know where to start.... Okay wait, i know how i start now. So like you said, you noticed that something is wrong with me. Actually i don't know it myself. The thing i know is, that i don't feel just like a girl. it's hard to explain but i know, that i'm not a 'normal' girl. Somedays i feel like i'm more a boy or somedays it's nothing. i just feel like a human. no girl, no boy. i know it's hard for you to understand how i feel but i need to tell you more.
i was in the bathroom before i came outside. i looked at myself and hated what i saw. there were so many bad thoughts. and that happened so often lately that i sometimes think it's uhm.... it's better to just end it all. i know it's not the right thing to do, but sometimes everything is just so overwhelming.
i don't feel like myself when i look at myself.
and i just wanted to let you know how i feel and maybe we can look what helps. because i really don't want to loose you because uhm... because i love you. i love you so much and you make me the happiest person i've ever been. i really do love you and i want to spend the rest of my life with you because you are my number one. You're just so perfect and i can't imagine a world without you. these two years of our friendship were the best two years of my life and the 10 months of us being in a relationship was the best that ever happened to me. i mean look at us, we're living together with our two little dogs in this beautiful house with this big backyard and i really don't want to loose all this so please help me..." i just talked without a break and i didn't even noticed that we both started crying.

"i love you too baby. so much. and i'll help you with everything i can. maybe we can buy new clothes tomorrow? so you can wear the perfect things everytime? so you don't have the body dysphoria? we can order a binder for you too! for you 'male days' so you feel completely like you. and we can go to therapy because of your suicidal thoughts maybe? just if you want and if this night talk did not help. We can go and change your name, we can go and get you a haircut. we can do everything you want. i'll be by your side all the way because you are the one i want to marry some day. i want to spend the rest of my life with you, raise kids together in this beautiful home and just be happy, travel around the World on my tours. making new music with you. just everything." Hailee said and i grabbed her by her waist and pulled her in for a sweet kiss that started to get to a make out session under the night sky. i pulled her on my lap so she was straddling me. her hands on my neck and mine on her ass. we pulled away and smiled at each other. "i love you so much" i whispered and saw how her eyes started to sparkle when i said it. "now come on baby, you need to sleep, it's 4 in the morning." Hailee said and we get up to walk inside. we laid down in bed and i snuggled up to Hailee.

her hand going trough my hair, my arms around her waist, and my head on her chest.

martini and Brando were sleeping at the end of the bed and Hailee and i drifted off to sleep while we comforted each other.

hey guys, i know this chapter as a first chapter is not so common but i really love this and i wanted to publish it.

i'm gonna explain how i came up with this idea, sooo basically, it's just how i feel about myself (the body and gender dysphoria, not the suicidal thoughts but i thought it would fit so i added it) and i needed the comfort so i wrote this and yeah, this is what i came up with.

i hope you liked this chapter and if you have any ideas for the next chapters, let me know.

the next chapters will be female reader. if not. i'll write it at the start of the oneshots.

love you guys.