Diary/Vent book

June 9 2022

I'm so sorry to my dear followers, just ignore this book if you want

Hello, been feeling bored and depressed lately so I decided to make a place where I can just vent about everything in my life. I'm not expecting anyone to read this but a trigger warning just in case. This'll most definitely mention self harm and suicidal thoughts. So yeah, stay safe.

This week has been feeling very weird and I don't know why. I'm happy for once but have no energy to do things whatsoever. I think this might be one of those times where you think that everything is finally getting better but then it all turns to shit. That happens like every other month and I still get surprised every time. Why don't I just give up the hope that things will get better? My thoughts are never optimistic but no matter how hard I try, I can never get rid of that teeny bit of hope.

I've also had a dry mouth all day, kinda like the feeling that you get during an anxiety attack. I think I'm overwhelmed. Or just dehydrated. I'm usually both. Maybe this is another derealisation episode, who knows. Nothing feels real at this point but it's fine, at least the depersonalisation hasn't kicked in yet.

School wasn't too bad despite the lessons that I had but I did kinda end up crying. This one girl in my class that I've known for two years is moving schools and I got really sad and shit. I wouldn't even say that we're friends or anything, but she made such a big change in my life so it just feels like something got fucking torn out of me. Today was her last day so we all signed her shirt and wished her well, all that stuff. Made me emotional dude. I'll miss her.

The rest of the school was normal I think, can't really remember so I guess that means that nothing happened. Pretty sure homework is due first lesson tomorrow but I'm not gonna do it, no point. Maths is boring anyway.

When I came home I found out that my dog had thrown up everywhere so that was a nice little treat that I had to clean up. Almost threw up myself.

It's like 11pm or something right now and god, self harm urges are strong. I'm trying my best but sometimes my best isn't good enough.

I've had a thought though and realised just how much of a hypocrite I am. Both of my parents smoke (tobacco if you're wondering) and sometimes I get annoyed that they don't even try to quit. Not their fault, addictions are the absolute worst, but it's frustrating knowing that your parents could die because of something that they don't want to get help for. But I have no right to talk, I literally slice myself open whenever something so much as inconveniences me. Not once have I ever thought about what I was doing and been like 'man I really need to quit, this isn't healthy'. My mind thinks that it's good so it'll just disregard any and all bad stuff that I do to my body. I did brush my teeth for the first time in a week though so I'm practically normal and totally not mentally ill.

Sorry about that one guys. On a better note, I got a science test result back today and got a 93%. It was literally an insignificant test though so I'm not really proud of myself, I should be doing that good on the stuff that actually matters. Pleased my parents though so I guess that's a plus.

If anybody is reading this then you're free to vent here too, I don't mind anything that isn't too graphic. I guess this is what people call a 'safe space' lol
Nah but fr you can say whatever

That's literally it, I don't know what I'm doing. I just needed to write something to distract me. Take care, love you, bye