Diary/Vent book

July 1 2022

Heyyy I'm back which probably isn't a good thing.
Here's a recount of my day 😍

- went to a teacher and asked for councling because I'd been having  suicidal thoughts

- the look on her face when I said that was kinda funny ngl

- They said that they'd have to call home because I said something concerning

- requested that they call my mother instead of my father

- was anxious and felt like I was gonna throw up for the entire rest of the day and then I got home

- mother came home like ten minutes after me and I was shaking so fucking hard

- heard her talking to my father which absolutely terrified me but thankfully she didn't tell him about it

- came upstairs and in to my room, closed the door

- had tears in her eyes which made me start crying

- had a talk about how much she loves me

- she recommended that I go to a proper face to face therapist

- 'begged' me not to hurt myself which made me feel so fucking guilty

- lied and said that I would never self harm

- talked about what the teacher said over the phone

- apparently the teacher said that I had thoughts of hurting myself even though I literally said that I didn't when she asked the question????

- teachers are fucking liars even though she could probably tell that I was lying when I said no lol

- we hugged for the first time since my cat died three years ago which made me cry even more 🥳

- started blaming herself and said shit like "is it my fault? I know I haven't been there for you for the past couple years because of uni and I'm always working, even at home" and "I can't help but feel like it's my fault since I haven't been emotionally there for you for a while".

- she kinda made the conversation about herself and it made me feel so bad for her or something? Can't think of the word

- now she's treating me kinder and stuff while also trying to keep it like it was before. But you can clearly tell that she's super worried and shit because she's not good at acting. She also has this look in her eyes every time she looks at me which makes me almost cry each time

- Oh funny stories time
- I was having a shower and locked the door and she got super worried and stayed outside of the bathroom and did a sigh of relief when I came out of there

- I was taking a tablet/pill cause I had a headache and holy shit the look she gave me.

- my brother is just being his usual self, any time he does something he's like "oh, are you gonna kys because of this" which makes me want to beat him up

So yeah, that's how my day went, how was yours? 😁👍