How About No

worst feeling ever

we all know that joining a fandom, social media, etc. has its consequences right? like after some time, you might stop loving a singer you used to worship, or you might feel like twitter, instagram or tumblr isn't for you anymore. it feels as if you have gotten older and stopped being a fangirl.

but no.

muST KEEP BEING A FANGIRL AND WORSHIP MY HUSBANDS TILL THE END EVEN IF IT MEANT GIVING A PART OF MY LIFE AWAY. *audience claps after such an inspiring speech*

but my point of this so called rant is that i've been having this weird feeling about wattpad recently, and i deeply hoped that it wouldn't come so soon but damn, it happened. it came in like a wrecking baaaaaaaaaaaaaall.

i apologize for that

anyway, my brain is literally a hole. like, there's nothing in it, it's blank. no existence. it disappeared.

but just a few months ago, i was having hundreds of ides floating in my mind and plots and characters and quotes for my next stories. but right now, i feel like all of it is gone.

now, don't get me wrong, i do love wattpad and i do love writing. but i guess i've come to the point where writing isn't fun anymore for me but stressful. it feels as if i need to update frequently which makes me stress about stories and the fact that if i don't update, the readers will stop reading my stories. that's how i lose ideas, courage and even the will to start writing something.

i don't want to make this sound as if i'm blaming my readers for it, heck no! they're the most precious thing that ever happened to this world.

i'm just telling you how i feel about my writing and the ideas i come up with.

i know this so called book, has become very popluar (which was so unexpected and i couldn't be more grateful for that) but i want people to recognize me for my other work, not for rants and my fangirl obsessions. you know? it makes me feel like my work isn't good enough, which just joins with stress and the fear of letting my readers down.

i'm probably not the only one who felt like this because there are other writers, there's you, the ones who support me and i'm sure you've all gone through writer's block, right?

*thinks of a great story idea and plot, amazing characters names, quotes and interesting scenes*

*opens microsoft word a few seconds later and tries to write but the brain just goes like*

brain: lol what.

i'm not sure whether this is just a phase or i'll end up deleting everything like i did with twitter and instagram 3 years ago.

honestly, i hate this feeling, like wow, i wanna write good stuff, stuff that can make people laugh, cry, smile and even angry. i want to be a good writer. but i have always had a problem with expressing myself and finding the right words. i don't want to blame the fact that english isn't my native language for this, oh no. i've seen some people write extremely good stuff and they were from either sweden, netherlands, france even countries that are in africa or asia!

i don't know guys, i guess i just need to do something about it, whatever it was, watch more movies to get inspired, read more work, listen to more songs and finally get my lazy ass on work, because i don't want to let down anyone.

especially not you, since you've all been such great readers and friends.