After 'Happily Ever After'

Of

A child's laughter is contagious and weakening, I keep hearing it.
I can't see the face attached to it or any connection between myself and any child.

I know it in my soul that I'd remember if I had a child, I've always wanted a child. I'd remember being a mother, right?

The doctors stated that the gaps in memory only seem to go back 4 years. Jay implied that 5 years ago we were together, with that whole 'fuck off' memory, so why can't I pieces it together?
Piece him in my memory?

I can't expect anyone to understand just how frustrating memory loss is.
I woke up at a hospital 6 months ago and asked for my parents, only to be told they both passed away a few years ago.
I'm yet to recover from that grief alone

Jay was there when I woke up,
Oh my god!
He was there! I didn't know him and screamed every time he tried to touch or talk to me and kept asking for my father.
He left when his presence gave me hysteria and that was the last time I saw him, I think
My sister Thandeka came claiming she and I hadn't spoken since our father's passing 2 years ago.

She doesn't know the details of my life before the memory loss... She didn't mention anything about Jay and stated that the Doctor asked her not to feed me information but instead let it come naturally because the alternative would be risking losing my memory forever. I didn't question anything after that, I lived with her after leaving the hospital and she helped me settle in, from the car, house and my now job. Part of me was taken aback by how grown and matured she was, my last memory of her, she was still in Uni
She stated she's happy that we're back to speaking terms but she disappeared exactly 3 months from the day I left the hospital. I got a mere text saying

'I love you Lerato, I'm not strong enough to tell you to your face because I haven't behaved like it so please fight to get back to you again. I'm glad you're back on your feet and things should stay as there were for now. You're gonna be fine, take care of you and forgive me mntase (my mother's child)'

I haven't seen or heard from her since. I drove to her place and tried calling her with different numbers but nothing. I eventually went to the Free State to try to make sense of things and find out how my parents died or why Thandeka and I had stopped talking. Numbness helps when I have to think about Thandeka and my parents, because I know I should be sad or scared but I can't reach the emotions most times, so I get frustrated instead
My cousin Nathi and his family now live at my father's house but they were very welcoming when I randomly showed up yet again
My cousin was a little worried that the memory loss would cause me to ask them to leave when initially, Thandeka and I begged him to stay there after the funeral. It sounds like something we would say, Nathi was raised by my parents and is more of a big brother. There's no one more suitable to take over the house and poultry farm

I went to my parents grave, it's said they were gunned down during a hijacking 2 years again. Apparently the tombstones are new because I had them done days before my accident

On my way back from the gravesite, I drove to Thabo's parents house. I was looking for something, anything that felt similar

"Oh my child, we haven't seen you in years, since we buried your parents actually. How are you" she asked pouring me a cup of tea from her pink and white tea-set.

The scones were freshly baked, and her living room had a musky plastic smell that felt familiar. I burst into tears not sure where to start

"Mama, I don't know where to start, everything is a mess"

"4 years of my life is gone, just like that"

For a woman whose son I hurt, she sympathized with nothing but gentleness