Written Among The Stars.

Chapter 22 - Is it a goodbye?

The next morning, it was Sunday and Aaban was surprisingly home. Haneen made breakfast for everyone and he ate that without saying a single word. His mom was going to talk to him today regarding his behaviour with Haneen but couldn't find the right time.

At night, after dinner, Aaban was ready. He had prepared himself well to have that conversation with his wife.

"Haneen, come upstairs." He spoke as he went up. She looked at his retreating figure, surprised to say the least. Nevertheless, she followed him upstairs after cleaning up the table. She saw him standing in the balcony, leaning over the reeling and immersed in deep thoughts. She went there and stood beside him.

"I have always hurt you, right?" He asked, still looking at the sky in front of him. She didn't know what had gotten into him suddenly.

"Do I scare you?" He asked, solemnly, staring at her face and looking for answers. Haneen remembered how scared she was of him that night when he was angry. She nodded honestly.

"Then, you should go away while you can and stay away from me. Never come near me again. You'll get hurt more. I have damaged you very much but you can be happy again. I have seen you being the sunshine of your house. I want you to be that again." He spoke calmly.

Haneen was confused. She couldn't get what he was trying to say but she had a slight idea and that scared her. She didn't want to think about what he was thinking or saying.

"What have I done to deserve all of this, Aaban? Even if I don't deserve your acknowledgement or your support, I deserve to know the answer. Why Aaban? Why me?" She was too gullible right now. "I can't pretend to be happy anymore."

"Don't pretend to be happy if you're not. You shouldn't cover for me." He whispered into the wind.

"What do you mean?" Her heart was sinking at his every answer.

"An abusive and toxic marriage doesn't always mean physical violence. I have been destroying your mental peace and that's an equivalent to an abusive marriage and toxic relationship, atleast in my view. It's still not too late, Haneen. Go away while you can. I don't want you to be stuck here with me in my never ending misery for the rest of your life. You can always start afresh and forget about all of this. You deserve happiness and love but I am not the one who can give you that. End your pain. End your misery. You can be free once again."

"I don't understand what you are saying." Her voice croaked. She knew exactly what he was saying but she prayed that it wasn't true.

What on earth was he talking about and why?

"Tell everyone about me. Tell them how abusive I was. We can file for a divorce on those grounds."

Her head spun hearing those words from his mouth. She knew he was talking about this only but hearing it from his mouth made it alot more painful. She slumped down on the floor, holding onto herself as she thought about what he had just said. He was asking her to give up, be free and live her life happily. Any sane person would have traded that for an unhappy marriage but Haneen had lost all the sense to think straight. She was heart broken.

"My parents will be heart broken and so will be your mother." She cried, trying to hide the fact that she would be the one who would be the most heartbroken.

"I am sure they all will understand. Nobody wants to force their daughter in an abusive marriage." He spoke as he held her by her shoulders and wiped away all her tears

"Stop saying that, you jerk. And don't touch me." She pushed him away from her and hit his chest as more tears fell down. She cried hysterically while clutching onto his shirt.

Please let it be a dream, Allah. She prayed silently.

The truth was that she had started developing feelings for him. Nikkah vows had that power. Besides, all these days made her believe that there indeed was something more to him than what he showed her. He always pretended to be angry and aggressive but he cared deeply. She had felt him closer every night. His care during her days of sickness were saying the opposite of what he was telling her. And she wanted to be there for him. She wanted to be his sunshine and heal his scars.

"Why did you take care of me then?" She cried, falling to her knees. She didn't want a divorce. She wanted to be there with him. "I cried every night. I prayed every night to make it easy for me. If this is your idea of ease and peace in my life. I don't want it. I don't want to be anywhere near you. Take me back to my parents' house first thing tomorrow morning. I hate you so much, Aaban. So so much."

Tired after her breakdown, she went to sleep.

Aaban was too restless to sleep. He had been thinking about this for a long time now and this was the only solution that he came up with. It would benefit both of them. He eyed Haneen, sleeping like a pure princess in front of him.

He was also tired of running away from her. He wanted to stop and endure her with all the pains and all the happiness. He wanted to take care of her. He wanted to hold her at her weakest. He wanted to wipe away her tears and take away all the pain. That was all he ever wanted to do. But all he did was, hurting her and making her cry. As he laid there beside her, careful about not touching her in the process, he thought about him and about her. Words were less to describe her. All she did was to obey him silently, his every command. She persisted through his cruelty with silence, never complaining about a single thing and that was what made him mad. She should've gotten mad at him. She should've fought with him. But she didn't do anything.

He could still see the stray tear stains on her cheeks.

"Why do you hate me so much? Please tell me. Please." She had begged him the other night, looking for an answer. She wanted to atleast know the reason for what she was going through.

"Aaban, you're ruining me every single day. You're ruining every particle of my being." She cried. "What have I done to deserve this? Can't I have a single happy day in my life? I don't want to live like this. I am tired Aaban. I am so tired. Let me go." She had fallen on her knees in front of him. Her scarf falling off her shoulders somewhere to the ground.

And before he knew it, her eyes began to close slowly. "Aaban! Don't do this to me please." She whispered one last time before falling into unconsciousness.

He had rushed towards her and she fell on his lap. He cried holding onto her for his dear life, his heart breaking. He had vowed to himself after one particular day that he would never cry but today as he saw her at her most vulnerable, he cried.

"Haneen!" He whispered as he brushed away her hair from her beautiful face. He brushed her hair with his fingers. He tugged the comforter over her petite and fragile figure.

From the last few days, she had been trying to crack his shell. She would cry and beg him to stop doing this.

"Haneen, You're my peace but I don't think I deserve you." He whispered to her sleeping form.

Hesitating a bit and controlling his loudly thudding heart, he leaned his face closer to her. All he wanted to do right now was to hold her in his arms.
He leaned his lips forward and planted them on her soft and rosy cheeks. She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. His lips lingered there for a while as he kissed her cheeks, then moved a bit upward slowly and kissed her forehead.

"I can't let you go Haneen. But I have to. You need to understand where I am coming from. You will thank me later."
He told her in a mere whisper as he wiped away the traitorous tear that had escaped his eye. "You're the Noor [Light] of my eyes, the sukoon [Peace] of my heart. I have never possessed anything as precious as you." He whispered one last time, before getting up and kissing her cheeks one last time.

He freshened up and changed from his suit into his track pants and muscle shirt. He laid down on the bed beside her, carefully maintaining his distance. He felt her hands moving around, as if searching for something precious.

"Please, don't leave me. I don't want to go." She mumbled in her sleep, her tears still forming as her hands found his. She tightly clasped them together and slept peacefully. Aaban had no idea what to do anymore.