The words I wish I would've told you.

for rdt

when you died
i thought it was some cruel joke.
it genuinely felt unreal.

i tried so hard
to forget. because,
that'd make it all better.
i felt that not remembering would
make it all go away.

but i remembered.
i remembered when i got
called down from my room.
i remember the look on
my mom and dads faces.

i remember how
i instantly was hugged
and i couldn't breathe.
i remember when my stepsister
came over at 11:30pm
to make sure i was okay.

i remember how i felt so numb.
when i didn't have to think about it.
when all i did was go to school,
barely brushed my hair.
didn't brush my teeth.
i stayed home
for four days.

i remember getting dress clothes for the funeral.
i remember getting flowers for the funeral.
i got yellow, because that was your favorite color.
and i wore yellow to the funeral,
because black was too sad.

i remember arriving to the funeral home
and ignoring that you were in a casket.
i didn't want to look.
and then i accidentally
looked in the room
and saw the top of your face.

you looked so young.
at peace.
calm.
rested.

i remember it all so well.

i never forgot anything.
i wish i could've
maybe, at the least,
convinced myself you were
just fishing
or hunting.

grandma needs you now.
she's gotten worse.
she's letting herself go.
i wish we could switch our places
because she needs you more than
she ever needed me.