Random things(Might include joongdok and vent art)

TW: SH, Vent

I've never inclined myself to thinking I would do self harm, I educated myself on why it would happen and what might lead to that. I don't like pain, so I don't believe I'd do it. Of course I feel horrible sometimes and want to inflict pain on myself bc whatever. But now, I feel so confused on whether I should do it or not.

My reasoning(I am in a better mindset after crying, so don't worry). Today is my dad's birthday, he had work so we couldn't celebrate right away. Another thing, my dad is sick and is also divorced with my mom. She has a boyfriend even though they're technically "married." She wanted to spend time with me, on my dad's BIRTHDAY. I would've waited for him to come home out of work so we could spend time together, but no. She took me to a baseball game and my dad got out of work early and my mom made it seem I had the idea that he would be out at 11 pm. I had to sit though a baseball game in a horrible mood for 4 hours.

Felt longer, but okay. I got home, said happy birthday to my dad and stuff, since I was too tired to say happy birthday in the morning and wanted to say it later that day. Now, I took the dogs out, did whatever and then whatever happened in the last sentence happened. I went to my room, fell to the ground and started crying, why? Because I felt like he was mad. At me. Now, I would usually bang my head on the door or wall because I have a difficult time crying. But for some reason, I was so inclined to hurting myself to the point it'd leave a scar. I felt to conflicted. After toughing it out, I'm in a clearer mind. My dad brought me food, so now that.

Everything talks bs about my dad, especially my mom's side of the family because yeah. They're obviously going to be on my mom's side because they're related. Even though my mother physically abused me and mentally. She also hit my dad, used me as an excuse to frame my dad for hitting her when I was barely 5 or something. I don't even remember it that well. I'm old enough to choose a parent. I want to choose my dad, because he treats me well. But my mom who has a good paying job and will probably provide me stuff. My dad also has a job, but he's usually at work and not at home. But I also have the risk of having to share the roof with my mom's family bc her family ALWAYS moves in at some point. It's annoying and nerve-wracking experience.

I can't say anything to her though. Because as soon as I do that, next day, while family knows bc she talks about me, saying everything I said. I once said I was feeling depressed to her and she just said I'm stressed and that's it. Then continued to tell my aunt and cousins and whoever, just for a little adult clout. I don't like her.

I love my dad, I worry for my dad, I need my dad, but it's hard because I need them both for different things. I don't know how to really feel about it, so if you read all of whatever this is, can you give me your opinion or something?