Random things(Might include joongdok and vent art)

venting, again. woop Woop.

First off, let me explain. I recently got into a relationship. This is kinda directed at them. But I first wrote this to be directed at my parents. But whatever 💀

I'm just not feeling well to be honest, but seeing them tomorrow so 😬

Awesome, let's hope o can get something off my chest. I lack shame(kinda) so this should be kinda easy? I doubt it lol. I struggle so much with expressing my feelings.

I never really liked it. Being hit. When I got yelled at it didn't feel good. Maybe since I was stupid and dumb I deserved it. But even then I just felt not good. I hated myself for not being up to standards. I continue to hate myself for not being able to listen. I ate that I feel certain ways. The way when I get into a relationship and feel like my stomach is churning because I don't fucking know how to respond to it. It makes me sick. How the hell did I even feel uncomfortable saying I love you to friends? It didn't make sense, I knew I loved them platonically. But it felt odd. I felt disgusted with myself. I felt uncomfortable.

I continue to feel uncomfortable. I love people, more than I can even think. But after a while, I grow disgusted. My best friend, they are the highlight of my day, and forever will be. I love them. My significant other however, they weren't as important in the picture. They were there. But not exactly there. And I feel disgusted saying I love you. Kissing? It's okay? Whatever, I don't care. But the moment it gets sexual, I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I wasn't harassed to the point I was traumatized. I was sexually assaulted, but. It's left me. I've forgotten it. Somewhat. I just feel as I can't function properly while dating or being in such a relationship with someone. I jokingly act in relationships and troll around. But nothing more. I get in a relationship, boom, not even five seconds and I feel a churning in my stomach.

It feels so bad. And I hate it. I hate it. I hate the feeling. I hate feeling this way. I hate myself for feeling this way. I hate myself for instigating it. I hate myself for just not saying anyone else. Just ANYONE ELSE. I FUCKING HATE IT. I feel so bad. I feel like I'm lying. I feel so weird. In a bad way. I feel dishonest. It's not like I'm cheating, I don't like anyone else, nor do I really care if I broke up or got cheated on. I never really cared.

When I got rejected by my long term crush, I thanked god but I felt sad. I mean, understandable. I would have to deal with those feelings and I wouldn't know how to explain. Liking someone so much but being unable to tell them how much it made you uncomfortable. It's just not the greatest feeling in the world. How did I even get into relationships in the first place?

I get with people, but end up not wanting to get with them at all. It's one after the other. My first being my friend, ending within a day. Second being my cousin's friend, not lasting a week. the third a random guy on the internet, he was weird and I just stopped. And fourth my current partner. Or last. I'm not sure. I'm so. Tired.