You make my heart stop- Heartstopper Nick & Charlie

Bad at Love

TW: mentions of an abusive relationship, abuse, panic attacks, subtle minor mentions of OCD and eating disorder and dark thoughts, including brief mention of suicidal ideation

Nick's POV

Charlie and I broke up during his first year of Uni. It was a night I'll never forget. I regretted saying so many things that night and I'm sure so did Charlie. We haven't talked since. I blocked him everywhere, only his number wasn't blocked, but it's been years and I decided a while back to unblock him. To my surprise, he unblocked me too. I spent a drunken night going through his Instagram and catching up on what he's been up to. My heart ached more and more with each picture, but I was happy for him. He finally seemed happy and at a healthy weight.

As I was sat in my flat, drinking tea at one in the morning. I started to think about my life.

I was now happy in a relationship with Freya. We've been together 3 years now. I tired to be with guys, but I always compared them to Charlie. It was exhausting, but when I met Freya, I felt like I did with Charlie. I never thought I'd feel like that again.

We moved into a flat together a year after we graduated from Uni. She's an associate attorney at the moment and I'm a personal trainer. Life couldn't be better.

'Honey?' asked Freya kissing my forehead as she sat down next to me

'Yeah?' I asked softly, coming back from my wandering mind

'Why are you still up?' she asked unsurely as she studied me tentatively

'I just... I had a nightmare' I said quietly, not wanting to relive it

'Want to talk about it?' she asked softly as she ran her hand through my hair soothingly

'It's alright' I said quietly

'You've had quite a lot of them recently... they're almost as bad as the ones you've had when we first got together' she stated firmly

'I know' I muttered, trying not to let that get to me

'Nicholas, you can't keep your feelings bottled up' she said fiercely as we both looked down at my scarred knuckles from the night my emotions just exploded

'I won't let that happen again' I said quietly

'Love, you've lost control that night. I came in and saw just blood everywhere. I couldn't get you out of your head for the longest time' she said shakily

'I know. I'm still very sorry that you had to find me like that' I said sadly remembering that night

'Talk to me... please' she whispered

'My nightmares... they're about Charlie' I stuttered out as I exhaled heavily

'Your high school boyfriend?' she asked surprised

I told her a bit about Charlie, but she doesn't know the whole story. I don't think anyone should know the whole story. It was our story. It was my sacred thing since I lost him. I kept our story just ours, afraid it'll lose its meaning if I talked about it. That was stupid. It won't get any less special if I talk about it. It'll hurt like hell though.

'He wasn't just that... God, he was so much more' I said truthfully

I saw hurt flash across her face. I didn't mean to hurt her, but Charlie wasn't just some silly teenage crush. He was so much more. He'll always be.

'I don't want to talk about him and his problems, because they're not mine to tell, but I lived through that too' I said shakily

'Just tell me whatever you're comfortable with. You never really told me much about him, but I didn't want to pry' she said sadly