Kintsugi

Chapter 11

Marlena was snuggled onto the couch, with Sami in her arms. Having her daughter back made her feel like another part of her broken soul slipped back into place. "You know, Sami, John said something to me weeks ago, and it's stuck with me ever since. It was something I needed to hear, and I think the analogy is fitting now," Marlena told her. "There's this type of Japanese pottery, called kintsugi. When the pottery is broken, they repair it with gold...sometimes silver, and they put the pieces back together. The item becomes something new, almost more beautiful than it had been previously. Right after the exorcism, when memories were flooding my mind, and I was realizing all of the horrible things that the demon had done, John told me that even if I felt broken, eventually I would heal. I wouldn't be the same, but I'd still be beautiful. I'd still be worthwhile, and I would still be loved."

"That sounds really pretty," Sami whispered, enjoying the feel of her mothers hand as it combed through her hair. She wasn't sure how all of this was going to turn out, but the idea of what her mother said, the healing, and still being loved...she'd needed to hear that.

"You're going to get through this, honey. When everything is said and done, when you've healed from all the pain in your life...you'll still be beautiful, and you'll still be loved. So loved," Marlena told her softly.

A soft knock sounded on the door, causing Sami to flinch, and sit up quickly. She relaxed when she heard John's voice, "Doc, it's me. Can you get the door, my arms are full of groceries."

Sami went to the door, sliding it open to find John standing there with two large grocery bags in his arms. Marlena laughed, taking one from his arms, "I thought you were just dropping the kids off with Caroline."

"Well, yeah, I did that, but then I thought we might need some lunch. I don't know, sandwiches or something," John said with a shrug of his shoulders. "Maybe Carrie and Austin will want to stay for lunch?"

"I don't think Carrie and Austin will want to ever speak to me after this," Sami muttered.

"You don't know that," Marlena said softly. "Your sister is a very kind, and forgiving person."

"I tried to steal her boyfriend, and made him think he slept with me," Sami said. "I don't think she's going to react well." She moved into the kitchen, and starting helping John take grocery items out of the bags.

"No. No, you're right. She won't react well, but I think she'll understand that you made some bad choices. Things you are genuinely remorseful for," Marlena said looking into her daughters blue eyes. "She'll understand how your life spiraled when Roman returned. Her's did too."

"It did? How?" Sami asked. She didn't think Carrie had ever done anything wrong in her life.

"Maybe we can let her share that...if she wants," Marlena said, thinking back to Carrie's anger at Roman and John, and her almost mistake with Lawrence Alamian. "Just know this, Sami, what Stefano did to this family, everyone suffered. We all dealt with our pain in different ways, most them unhealthy. I should have talked to Roman, and told him how conflicted I was. I didn't, and I take responsibility for the fall out from that," Marlena told her, smoothing the hair back from her daughters face. "But I think it's safe to say, that no matter what, we all love each other...no matter what."

A knock sounded on the door, and Sami looked at her mother with abject fear in her eyes. John watched the byplay between the two women, and said, "Are we good? I'm going to get the door."

Marlena, still staring at her daughter, says softly, "Yes, John. We're good." John watched them for a moment longer and then moved to open the door.

When Carrie and Austin entered, Sami could tell her sister had been crying. Her eyes were red rimmed and slightly swollen. Austin looked reserved, almost scared to know why he had been called there. It became even worse, as they both took notice of Sami's slightly protruding abdomen. Carrie looked ready to cry again, and Austin looked like he might throw up at any point. Just as it looked as if Austin might speak, Sami blurted out hysterically, "I lied! I lied! Oh my G-d! I'm so sorry!"

Marlena realized quickly that she was going to have to help Sami navigate this mess she'd gotten herself into. "Carrie, Austin...why don't we sit down and wade through this...situation together," Marlena said.

Austin was still looking at Sami's belly, with a look of horror on his face. Sami looked at him, and said casually, "It's not yours, so you can calm down."

"You're sure?" he asked her. "Because if it is...I'll- well, I'll take care of it..."

Sami sighed, falling to the couch in defeat, as she started talking, "Let me get this out, because it's hard enough that I've already been through it twice in the last three hours. When I'm done, you can yell and scream...whatever...but let me get it all out first. Okay?" Carrie and Austin nodded slowly, and Sami began by looking at Carrie, "When Alan raped me, I was scared, and alone. I couldn't tell Dad, because I thought he would be ashamed of me, and I was so angry with Mom, there was no way I was going to tell her. All I had was Lucas. He found out by accident...and then he told you. Even after I told him not to. You told me to press charges, that Alan would be convicted, but he wasn't. You'd promised me that he wouldn't be able to hurt me anymore, and instead he walked free, harassing me at every turn. I was angry. I wanted to hurt you, as much as you'd hurt me." Sami looked at Austin quickly, before returning her attention to Carrie, "I thought I could hurt you if I took Austin away from you, but he wasn't interested. I tried so many ways to get him to notice me. To have him come to my rescue, none of it worked...so I drugged him."

"What in the actual fuck, Sami!" Austin said rising from his seat on the chair.

John stood up, glaring at Austin, and said, "I think you agreed to let her speak her piece before you reacted. Sit down."

Austin begrudgingly sat back down, with a look of fury on his face, but said nothing as Sami said, "We didn't sleep together. I let you think we did, but-but we never did. I'm sorry. I can't say much else, honestly. I messed up, I messed up big. I know that. Now I've got a baby on the way, and a boat load of emotional baggage to unload in therapy over the next few years, but I swear. I am sorry."

Carrie looked at her sister, studying her face, and her body for any of her typical tell-tell signs of lying. They were't there. "Why are you telling the truth now? When you've been lying for months?"

"When I first found out I was pregnant, the first thing I thought about, was how easy it would be to come back, and say it was Austin's baby, but then I thought about my own life, about losing John, then Dad leaving, and Mom and John's affair...what I did with Belle. Everything rolled over me all at once, and I thought I would collapse from the weight of it all," Sami said softly, barely a whisper. "I don't want that for my baby. I want to do this right, so they don't suffer...and lying? It would never work. It never has in the past. It's time to stop blaming everyone else for my actions, and tackle all the bullshit in my head, because my baby is the most important thing in my life right now." Sami turned to Austin, "But it's not your baby...and we never slept together."

"Who's baby is it?" Carrie asked her gently.

"Lucas," she responded.

"Lucas? My brother?" Austin said incredulously.

"Congratulations," Sami said with bitter sarcasm. "You're going to be an uncle."