This is why I don't socialize {Eddie Munson X Reader}

P9) This might kill me

"Sweetheart," Eddie mumbles as I awake. "Mm," I hum as I nuzzle in this chest. "God you're beautiful, I won't ever let anyone or anything hurt you, do you understand?" He asks. I nod, my face against his chest. I wrap my arms around his waist and he hold me close. "Y/N, I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to be honest with me. Would it be okay with you if I kissed you? Would it make you uncomfortable?"

Without answering, I lean in and kiss him. Fuck, it feels the same as it did yesterday, kissing him. Kissing him is like the safety that an owner gives when they comfort their dog during a thunderstorm.

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"Why won't you just say it?" I yell. "It's not that easy Y/N," Eddie argues, "I'm... I mean you know it's true so why do I have to say it?" I cry, "because you know how my brain works. I'm barely capable of accepting love from others. I need you to say it. Please."

He sighs, "cmon Y/N, you know I do."

He pulls me in and I push him away and say, "I'm not doing this. I can't do this. I shouldn't have kissed you. I'm sorry Eddie."

Eddie's POV
I can't say I love you because if I do, she's trapped. I'm terrified to get too close to her, I... I just can't. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt her.

So I left.

Y/N L/N, the only woman I ever loved.

I walked out of Y/N's house and climbed into my truck. It's done, I saved her from me. That's what I told myself I was doing.

Y/N's POV

He left me alone and drove away.

My heart was left on the kitchen floor where he left me to die. I am left in a void of my depression and anxiety. He doesn't love me, he doesn't care. He tricked me, he fucking toyed with my heart. No, he yanked it from my body and pulled the strings all the way out.

Eddie's POV

Tears stream down my face and I speed up. I can't drive while like this. I pull into a gas station and park. I scream and cry, "FUCKK!" I can never have her. I don't deserve her. I hurry inside and buy a pack of cigarettes. I smoke half the pack in the car while trying to wipe my tears. When I get home, my uncle can smell the tobacco on my clothes. "So you haven't been home in a while and now you smell like cigs. What was her name?" He asks. I sit next to him on the couch and say with tears welling up in my eyes, "Y/N, Y/N L/N. I love her man, I just... I can't trap her with me. I can't do that to her. I don't deserve her."

He gets up to get a beer and says,
"Do you think that she thinks she deserves you? You remember when she stole all your pencils before an exam? What about when she put a brick in your backpack in middle school and you almost split your head open? Eddie, my point is, as much as you think you don't deserve her, she thinks like that times four." He pours the beer in two glasses and hands me one.

I quickly hug him and then say, "sorry, that was weird." He laughs and says, "Real men hug, real men are emotional. Don't apologize." I smile at him, "Thanks pops."

I sit on my bed and realize what I have to do.

WARNING: THIS NEXT PART WILL GO INTO SUICIDE IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE OR AT RISK I ADVISE YOU TO NOT READ.

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Here is the universal list: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/

Y/N's POV

I drove to the closest gas station and bought a ridiculous amount of ice cream. When I arrive home, I turn on Pretty in Pink and eat my ice cream.
Chocolate, Cookies N Cream, Mint Chocolate Chip, Chocolate chip cookie dough, and strawberry. I found the end of the tub but never the end of my sorrow. I was on a thin line of breaking when I met Eddie but being around him really helped. Now all that's gone. I never knew the dangers of crying. Death was right there, banging on my door, begging me to indulge. And so I decided...

I can't live.

I inch off of the couch and crawl to the bedroom. I use the bed to push myself up so that I can grab a paper and pen. Before I can even put the pen to the paper, I begin sobbing, tears melt the paper as I scribble,

"I wish you could've said it while I was alive.

I love you Eddie Munson.

Love, Y/N"

I fold the paper and put it on the bathroom counter. I sulk into the kitchen and grab down the box of medicine, Ibuprofen, Advil, Tylenol, and Naproxen. I grab the whole box and bring it to the bathroom. I turn on the tub faucet and plug the drain. I dump the Tylenol in my hand and throw them in my mouth. I turn on the sink and use my hand to scoop up water and shovel it into my mouth. Then the Advil, Ibuprofen, then the Naproxen. I shuffle over to the bath and stumble in.

EDDIE'S POV

I drove all the way to Y/N's house with my boom box. I'm gonna fucking blast this shit till she comes outside and then I'm gonna tell her I love her.