will i become the monster in your story if you ever read these?

the beginning of us

dear you.

we dated for one year and a month. during that time, you became the one person i could go to for comfort. i felt myself sick to my stomach when i realized i became dependent on you for my happiness, but what really broke me was when i realized you couldn't return to me the love i gave to you. because that was what i did. i loved you so hard.

i'm going to be honest when i say that i didn't get to know you well enough to understand how to be what you wanted. i asked you out on a whim, on Christmas at 2 a.m. we weren't even completely serious about it. but from there we became A and B.

i didn't understand at the time how big of a deal this was for you when you said yes.

it was cruel of me to treat our relationship like something easy when you had never been in one before. you became so overwhelmed immediately, i bombarded you with affection and love bombs and nicknames, everything i wanted you to so badly to reciprocate. at the time, i realize that i didn't love myself, and that was why i thought that i needed to love you so severely.

as friends we were fun, we cursed at each other and called names and joked and laughed with for hours on end at night. i never put my phone down when we texted. i added songs and songs to the playlists i made for you.

but as a couple we became something other. i refused to let myself curse at you because that wouldn't be nice, that would make me an awful partner. i swapped "bitch" and "fucker" for "my love" "bebe" "Aya". you became the center of my world.

and i knew you didn't know how to handle it. when you asked me to stepped back i did, because i recognized that you weren't like me. you didn't give affection, or use pretty words, or know how to talk to me. you didn't know how to communicate because you couldn't communicate with yourself. i stepped back but made sure to tell you that i loved you every single day.

i think that's why we didn't work out. we were friends in an intimate way that couldn't be brought into a relationship. we knew too much, and we had the worst of our own problems but we craved such love and affection and kindness from one another that we disregarded it almost immediately. i wanted to be valued in the way we saw in the shows we watched.