will i become the monster in your story if you ever read these?

winter.

TW//: HEAVY MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND DEPRESSION, GRAPHIC RETELLING.

dear you.

I don't think i'll ever see winter the same way again after this past year. it used to mean going out and buying too much money's worth of gifts and candy and seeing friends. it used to mean staying up until three in the morning just talking and screaming and laughing with everyone.

i'm not saying you ever ruined it, that would be childish. you never ruined it, because you couldn't control how you felt during it.

the winter of 2021 was one of the worst chapters in my life. i got into countless fights with my family, i became overworked from school and carrying two jobs, and i started to question Us.

let me start from november.

i could tell it was getting worse for you. no amount of talking and 'i love you's could make it better. i don't think i'll ever forgive the way your brain worked during this time. i don't think i'll ever forgive myself for blaming you, either. as the days at school passed you shut down on me. you wouldn't touch me or look into my eyes no matter how much i tried. you had this disgusting thing lurking in your eyes that showed me that you were just not there. you weren't there at all. you looked like you were just gone somewhere, and whenever someone would interrupt you it would be like you were there for the first time. you could stay like this for an entire day, or switch throughout depending on what was going on around you.
it was selfish of me to think that i was the one who could help you. i couldn't help you, though. i couldn't stop your own mind. i couldn't stop seasonal depression from making everything worse.

i started to hate myself after you started ignoring me completely. you would read my texts and try to reply. then, you would burst out of nowhere and type your feelings out as fast as possible. everything i would read made my stomach churn and my heart ache and my eyes water but when i would try to talk, help you, do anything, you would disappear behind that painful fog.

"lol."
"yeah haha."
"okay."

i became so frustrated that i stoped trying. anytime you would crush us with your mood i'd speak up, avoiding looking at you and trying to do anything to fix the atmosphere. you'd get angry, and i knew it. i felt myself trying to distance because i started to feel angry after you would do the same. i'd bring something up and be excited only to be met with a sideways look and a confused "okay?" you would begin to poke and prod and grab even after i would ask you to stop until i'd snap.

"stop fucking touching me. why the fuck are you still doing it? i don't want to be touched right now."

that last poke would send me hurdling into my own anger, and i'd find myself standing up and leaving. why was it so fucking funny for you to touch me? and when i would get angry at you you would act surprised. did you want me to be angry? did you want me to say something to hurt you? why? was it because i overflowed with i love you's and encouragement when you didn't want them?

the day that i had taken the edible that our friend gave me you were ignoring me then, too. i felt myself growing anxious and sick to my stomach because why weren't you talking to me? what had i done wrong? what can i do for you, please please just answer me.

you left me on read for every single message i sent and i could tell that everyone saw me crack that day. i knew my teacher could tell something was going on.

when i finally saw you in the hallway you pretended i wasn't there. i walked next to you and waited for you to say something, anything, anything so that i could just calm down.

i yelled at you. in front of everyone. and you didn't even look me in the eye. i begged and pleaded for you to just look at me, to just answer my questions.

"did i do something wrong?"
".. no. "
"then why won't you talk to me? i'm your girlfriend."
"i can't. i cant- get the words out. i'm sorry. i cant talk."
i fucking left you there to walk by yourself to class. i had embarrassed myself and become something i never wanted to become. why, why had i let myself get so wrapped up in this? i cried that entire class period and refused to talk to anyone about it. my teacher let me outside and i sat there, squatted against the pavement with my hands covering my face. what was i doing? how could i let this hurt me? you couldn't even control it, so why couldn't i be more understanding? i just wanted to be there for you.

when class was over i wanted to just go by myself and hide. i didn't even want to be around you. i was so angry and humiliated that i clutched my books to my chest, staring straight ahead and refusing to look you in the eye. when i dared to glance at you, you had that same far away look in your eye and i wanted to drop everything in the floor and run away. i hated that my girlfriend couldn't even be present enough to apologize to me.

i listened to you pause and restart your sentences over and over as you tried to piece your words together. by that point we had been walking for nearly two minutes and you spoke so quietly that i had to walk closer next to you. you explained how it hadn't been your intention to make me feel the way i did. you spoke and apologized so quickly but so much that i just wanted it to be over with. i just wanted you to stop talking. i wasn't making anything better for you so why was i even making a big deal? i felt so guilty after that. i forced myself to feel better and talk to you. you let me hug you and i thought that it wouldn't happen again.

december came and i felt myself crumble because at that point i thought that i would really lose you. i didn't even know what to say at that point. it just got worse. you would space out and have panic attacks out of nowhere, you would cry without even making a sound, you would push yourself over the edge when something was funny. your laugh and reactions became so desperately mechanical that i could barely even bring myself to speak to you. when small things became something to threaten your life over i just wanted us to be finished. at that point i didn't even find myself ready to be a partner for you.

i couldn't bring myself to try and laugh off the threats you made. i wanted to gag every time you threatened to slit your own throat, or wrists, or hang yourself. i don't even know why you did it. why the fuck would you say that? how the fuck could you say something like that to your own friends? to me? did you want us to feel what you felt? was making me and everyone sick to our stomachs worth  it?

you didn't want me and you weren't even prepared for me. as much as i hate saying it, i knew it. i knew that you didn't see me as more than a friend and i couldn't accept it. i was something for comfort, just like you were something for happiness to me. i just wanted to be loved by you so badly.

i hated the things i thought about you during that winter. i am sorry for that.