will i become the monster in your story if you ever read these?

mediation and realization.

dear you.

i will never not be sorry for demanding so much from you. i know now that my overbearing nature and cries for love were more than what you could handle.

i never want you to find out what everyone said about us when we were together. i never want you to hear the words that left our friends' lips when i would ponder us. you will never deserve that.

sometimes i wanted to just grab you by your shoulders and shake you. never in a harming way. i would never raise a hand to you intentionally and you know that. i just wanted to hold your shoulders and make you look at me. i wanted to ask you every day.

"what can i do for you?"
"why won't you listen to me?"
"do you love me?"
"do you still love me?"
"are we really together?"

the last three were always affectionate questions. i never doubted that you loved me, because in your own way, you did. in your own mind you were giving me all of your love. i know you were guarded and kept a wall up because you knew that i would hurt you, and for that i will always respect you. but i also knew it would get worse and worse as the time went by. we never could go and see each other. there were always group affairs. of course, the group affairs would almost never involve you. you could never go anywhere. our group became one of our main sources of communication. i never wanted to reveal our relation to my family, so group hangouts and school became our way of seeing each other.

school.

school was one of the only ways i got to see you over the course of the last year. every day, you would meet me at my locker. and every day we would walk to class.

of course, these periods would only be spent talking sometimes. other times when i would come up to you my conversation topics would fade into thin air like smoke. or just hang unanswered as if you hadn't heard me, even when i would repeat what i said.

that became the first pin in the cushion.

i think now how stupid i must have looked smiling and trying to talk to you while you stared straight ahead and tuned out my words. if i touched you or tapped you to get your attention or tried to hold your hand, you would almost always snatch your hand away or flinch and look at me as if i weren't someone to you. as if i wasn't your partner.

my mistake was thinking that i could become something to an emotionally unavailable person. i can admit now that i spent hours and hours almost every night trying to figure out why you didn't want me, or why i couldn't become enough for you to just look at me.

that's cruel, isn't it? i couldn't get you to look me in the eye for the longest time. and for the longest time i thought that it was my fault. for the longest time, i thought that if i gave you more affection and blew up your phone and told you that i loved you, you would realize how much you meant to me. i never got angry, i never raised my voice at you, i never let myself get wrapped up in something because my brain made me think logically. i could never be stubborn, or petty, or hurt, because that wasn't fair of me to do, even if you did the same thing to me.

you would leave me to my own mind for hours and hours without a single text back. at school, you would shut down and press your mood onto the whole room. god forbid anyone tried to laugh or joke during these days. sometimes you would come over and brood but as soon as someone else (never me) said something you would be all smiles and laughs and jokes.

i let my heart become battered by not acknowledging your constant brushing off of my conversation. you could flat out ignore me and i would still be there, holding my heart out in my hands with a smile on my face because i just wanted to keep you happy for one day.

that never happened though.

eventually i picked up my second job and i got to spend more time with my best friend at work. by then we had been together for 11 months. she forced me to confront it. she asked me a question that made me reconsider our entire relationship.

"do you know if she even considers you more than a friend?"

by then winter had rolled around, and the end began.